How To Get Smarter

Everyone wants intelligence. That’s why we all willingly go to school for our entire childhood and then spend the next two decades’ worth of income (that is, if you’re an engineer – if you study something like art or literature, you can expect to pay that shit off in HAHAHAHA years) on more education. But isn’t there an easier path to a bigger brain?

No, there isn’t, you idiot.

But here’s a ten-step guide to making yourself smarter anyway.

1. Read a book

A surefire way to superiority is to partake in the reading of a great novel. The older, the better. Just pick up your copy of Great Expectations and… Oh. Holy shit this is long. Good lord, what’s up with this word? “Architectooralooral?” Screw this, let’s start with something easier.

2. Read some poetry

This is short! You can make it through this! Okay, so… The poet is comparing the grass to his mistress’ eyelashes, right?  And the rolling hills are… Ooh, this is dirty. Perhaps we should try something else.

3. Learn to play an instrument

Studies show that children who take part in the fine arts score marginally higher on standardized tests. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the free brainpower! Just sit down at that piano and practice, practice, practice! Yeah, just go ahead and… Oh. Oh God. Okay, please stop. Damn it, see, now the dog is scratching up the front door.

4. Take up an internship

You’ll get some direct experience this way. Direct experience in slave labor, that is.

5. Work some math problems

There’s nothing quite as exciting as buckling down with some intense number play. It really stimulates the left hemisphere of your brain. Just grab your calculator and –

math

What the hell, what happened to the numbers? I thought this was math!

6. Do a crossword puzzle

This is a surefire way to test your vocabulary and build upon it. Ah, here’s a good one. Let’s see, the first clue is, “Name of stick used in Zimbabwe as a toiletry.” Okay, that’s a little tough, but we can come back to it once we fill in some letters. Next clue. “Location of the first kitten space program.” Never mind.

7. Watch a stimulating movie

The horror. The horror.

8. Sudoku?

Because the math and crosswords both worked so well on their own.

9. Eat paint

Believe it or not, this will work! It’s caused by the Dunning-Kruger effect. If you make yourself dumber, you’ll feel smarter. Once you feel significantly brainy, start your own talk show on Fox News. And don’t worry about consuming too much paint. If you die, you’ll gain infinite enlightenment in the afterlife. It’s foolproof.

10. Read How-To blogs

At the end of the day, all you really need is some schmuck who may or may not have any sort of credibility teaching you how to do things instead of figuring it out on your own.

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7 thoughts on “How To Get Smarter

  1. Haha, if only this would work, I sadly do not have the patience to read a book, I may have started reading John grisham The litigators like 3 times, never once have I finished it. And, eating paint, Really 😛

    • I know its stupid but it really works! Come on now, eat some paint and see for yourself! And well, it’s not really a good idea to launch your ‘Reading Career’ with The Litigators. Maybe you should read some Chetan Bhagat first!

      • I have read chetan bhagat, the 3 mistakes, revolution 2020, and two states, but the reason i haven’t been able to get through the litigators is basically a lack of time, you see, since i had to study for competitive exams and shit 😛
        Who has the time, or the patience 😛
        ANd, eating paint, no thank you 😛

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