How To Be An Asshole

If there is one thing that is severely lacking in this world, it is assholes.The planet on which we live is teeming with selfless, generous do-gooders and it is, frankly, quite nauseating. In the spirit of fighting for the underdog, The Indie Guy, in conjunction with the Royal Society of Douchebags brings to you…

How to Be an Asshole: 101 Ways to Play Up Your Douchebaggery

1) When you are talking to people, tilt your chin up a bit so that you are looking down your nose at them.

2) Interject your opinion into every conversation, beginning with the statement: “Oh, really?”

3) Cock your eyebrow– just one– at people when they talk to you.

4) Offer unsolicited advice.

5) Give people the cold shoulder when they don’t follow your unsolicited advice.

6) Start rumors about people.

7) Feed others’ rumors about people.

8) When confronted by the victim of your rumors, laugh at them and say: “I have better things to do than talk about you…”

9) Then, go tell all your friends how you stood up to the victim.

10) When you get caught in a lie… deny, deny, deny!

11) Shift the blame.

12) When people get emotional, snicker.

13) Roll your eyes when people show their sensitive side.

14) Send phone calls to voice mail, then don’t check the message.

15) Hang up on people when they say things you don’t want to hear.

16) Don’t call your friends/family on their birthday.

17) Use someone else to “break the news.”

18) Answer your cell phone at church ( or Mandir or Masjid or whatever )

19) Answer your cell phone at the movies.

20) Answer your cell phone at dinner.

21) First thing in the morning, check your cell phone.

22) Last thing at night, check your cell phone.

23) Text during sex.

24) Tweet more than three times a day.

25) Update your Facebook status more than three times a day.

26) Blow up Facebook newsfeeds with updates, then refuse to answer the phone when your “friends” call you.

27) Start fights on Facebook.

28) Get into the fray on others’ Facebook face-offs.

29) Pick on the weak guy.

30) Kick someone when they are down.

31) Jump on the bandwagon.

32) Rock the boat.  Everywhere and with everything.

33) Call people names.

34) Say “I told you so” when you are right.

35) Reply to compliments with “I know, right?!”

36) Monopolize every conversation.

37) Threaten to sue everyone.

38) Actually sue everyone.

39) Bend the rules to suit your whims.

40) Act like you are God’s gift to the world.

41) When you loan someone money, charge them interest– especially if they are family members.

42) Don’t ever apologize.

43) Don’t compliment anyone, ever.

44) Pat yourself on the back repeatedly.

45) When your dog sh*ts in public, don’t pick it up.

46) When your dog is barking at 11:45 PM, don’t get him quiet.

47) Call the cops on your neighbors’ loud parties, even though you were invited but chose not to show up.

48) Turn off your lights before 6:00 PM on Halloween night.

49) Tell children that Santa doesn’t exist.

50) Boo at people when they sing karaoke.

51) Get pissing drunk and then start demeaning people.

52) Send nasty texts.

53) Don’t stop until someone is crying.

54) Complain about everything you eat at restaurants.

55) Complain about everything you eat at home.

56) Respond to break-ups with “Oh, it’s definitely you.”

57) Leave your trash cans on the curb for several days after trash day.

58) Park your car in front of your neighbor’s house because they have shade and you don’t.

59) Let your grass grow too long– or die– and don’t weed your front yard.

60) Bring up the past, then bring it up again.  Keep bringing it up until the memory becomes too fuzzy to validate.

61) Use religion as a weapon.

62) Use children as a weapon.

63) Refer to your friends as “fans, subjects, and followers.”

64) Don’t pay your debts.

65) Don’t pay for dinner.

66) Refuse responsibility at all times.

67) Take semi-clad photos of yourself, then post ‘em!

68) Ask for the input of others, then when they share, tell them their ideas are lame.

69) Refer to yourself in the third person.

70) Tell people that you’ll “pencil them in.”

71) Tell off-color jokes in mixed company.

72) Host a cheese and wine tasting party.

73) When you see kids misbehaving in public, loudly berate the parents, but not to their faces.

74) Make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

75) Make plans and don’t show up.

76) Change your mind.  All the time.

77) Pass off every time you let someone down with the phrase “I had good intentions.”

78) Make sexist comments.

79) Rest assured that you are always right; therefore, everyone else is wrong.

80) Convert others to your beliefs about everything.

81) Talk about yourself at every opportunity.

82) Adopt an irritating laugh.

83) When you are in a bad mood, do your best to ensure that everyone else’s day is ruined, too.

84) Make yourself a hero in every story.

85) Keep a little black book.

86) Point out the faults of others, especially if they are obvious.

87) Degrade others’ hard work, especially in the work place.

88) Do less than is expected of you.

89) Make a scene when you don’t get your way.

90) Join the WBC.

91) Whisper about people right in front of them.

92) Stare.

93) Point.

94) Don’t donate, don’t volunteer, don’t help out.

95) Incriminate others.

96) Make messes, but leave them for others to clean up.

97) Eat the last doughnut, drink the last coffee, use the last creamer.

98) Live by the phrase “Better you than me.”

99) Dictate the actions of anyone and everyone you can.

100) Answer the question “why” with the answer “because I said so.”

101) When someone says they trust you, immediately do your best to destroy that trust.

Most of us are guilty of doing several things on this list at least once in our lives, but that is not justifiable behavior for deeming yourself an Asshole.  In order to truly become an Asshole, it is important to make a majority of these behaviors and actions part of your personality.  Still feeling inadequate of the title?  Go kick a puppy or trip an old lady.  That will get you on the right track to being a public menace.

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