I love the work I do, I love my boss, and I love that I am not the boss.
And all that love puts me in the tiniest minority of people in the history of the world. As far as I know, it’s just me and some guy in Nowhere, Oklahoma, who lives for grilled cheese sandwiches and works at a bread factory that his best friend owns.
The only part of my job I don’t like involves hiring co-workers. You see, over the years, I’ve noticed a tendency for people to interview for jobs they don’t want.
Of course, they’re never so obvious as to just say “I don’t want this job.” Nor do they take the path most traveled and simply not apply. No, these people devise clever stratagems that must take nights of planning.
After years of researching the best of the best in this particular field, I’ve created a comprehensive guide to help those with the same mission. For those of you actively applying for jobs you don’t want, I hope these 8 Reminders lead to the pathway to all your life’s desires.
8 Easy Ways to Not Get a Job
You know what they say about the mice, men, and best-laid plans. You planned to not get this job while applying, but this office or store is obviously desperate for help. They reviewed your half-completed application and typo-ridden résumé, and still decided invited you in for an interview.
Here’s how to take this crazy bull by the horns and keep from getting hired.
1. Show Up Late
This is important. Nothing suggests a total disregard for the people waiting for you like showing up 10 minutes late. Don’t let it go with a simple apology, either– no, explain it with a story that takes another 10 minutes to tell. The more mundane your story, the better– consider the one about how you lost your keys and looked everywhere. Be specific. Did you check the fridge? Was it by the lettuce or cheese? Where did you buy the lettuce?
2. Hesitate Awkwardly Over Security and Safety Questions
When the interviewer jovially asks, “Do you get along well with others? No fist-fights with co-workers, etc, haha!”, do not make eye contact. Wait a good 3 minutes and then answer, “Yes.”
Do not explain.
3. Talk About Poop
In fact, if you can find some way to integrate poop into every question you answer, then consider yourself a success.
You can explain it however you choose. Tell that story again about how you’re a parent returning to the workforce and that poop has become the cornerstone of your existence. The reason is really just for you, since any poop talk will move you to the bottom of the stack.
You might as well be creative!
4. Keep your Phone On and Take All Calls
Answer the phone on the first ring without explaining and put your finger over your mouth to keep that noisy interviewer from interrupting. After the call is over, go into extreme detail about the person who called and what their call means to you. If you’ve ever had sex with that person, include that information.
5. Dress Down
Select your interview outfit from any combination of the following clothing items: sweat pants (preferably neon-colored), mumus, overalls with biblical verses embroided, blue jeans with holes, and Che Guevara t-shirts. Do not wear shoes! This is an interview, not the opera!
6. Provide False or Bad References
Do you remember that guy you beat up in the 5th grade? Give his number. You know the neighbors you keep up all night with your rabble-rousing and drug-dealing? Give their number, too.
Also, always remember to include the President of the United States and other important people for whom you did not work.
If you have a feeling the interviewer is enjoying your company too much, emphasize your sentences by pushing them. Use both hands.
Tell them that story about how someone tried to rob the mall store where you worked. Be sure to explain how you jumped over the counter, ran down two flights of stairs, and finally beat up that crook at the bottom of an escalator to your favorite Bon Jovi song. Punctuate the story with sound effects, punching demonstrations, and by singing Eye of the Tiger at full volume. Bon Jovi didn’t sing Eye of the Tiger, but that’s alright. Just insist he did.
That’s the best of the best, friends.
I hope it saves you from the pesky jobs that you apply for, interview for, and never wanted in the first place!