An Exercise in Writer’s Block

Recently, I’ve been meaning to write many many things, but every time I try, things don’t come out right. I’ve been trying to stay patient, thinking ‘somethings going to happen, it’s bound to!’ (also said the man with erectile dysfunction. SNAP), but nothing did happen. All I ended up with was a chunk of meaningless Paulo Coelhoesque dribble.

So finally, I decided to just fuck it and write about what I’m doing. Can’t really hurt can it? And the fact that I’m perpetually doing something also supplies sufficient material. So here goes, the unedited continuous nonsense centering around my current activities:

The plane hurtled through the air, but on account of its almost excruciating tininess, it was more like a little capsule hurtling through the long intestine that is the stratosphere. It was one of the smaller planes, without all that ‘jet engine’ metrosexual poofy nonsense that’s all the rage these days. Instead, it had little black exposed rotors that suspiciously kept the plane in the air.

Anirban Chakraborty sat on the window seat at the rear of the plane looking through the window and half expecting the wings to flap.

It was a plain plane at best, without any class distinction as such-everybody got the same kind of seat. They still however wrote ‘economy’ on your ticket so you would know your place in the aero kingdom.

Anirban yawned and stretched as they cut through the sky elegantly, appearing to be motionless against blue pastel background, but actually moving because planes usually have to go somewhere. I’m guessing.

‘This is a no smoking flight’ said the hurried, heavily accented voice of an air hostess over the communication system.

They all are, thought Anirban. They all are. He played with the ashtray that was in his seat from days when that announcement did not have to be made. A happier time.

‘..Smoking in the toilets is also forbidden’

Well they’re part of the fucking flight aren’t they? Thought Anirban. He returned his attention to the corpus of the ashtray. Yes. He gingerly pulled it out of the the seat- it opened slowly. There was no ash inside. Just emptiness. Half expecting a burnished interior but finding-

‘Smoke detectors are installed in the bathroom-’

FUCKING REALLY? WE GET IT said Anirban. Perhaps out loud. Judging by the looks of the passengers around and the man sitting next to him slowly edging away, it was probably out loud. Or maybe he’d just grimaced. Or maybe they had traced the source of erstwhile occurring flatulence. It could have been anything.

An air hostess stopped in the aisle by the row he was sitting in.

‘What would you like sir?’ she asked in a softly lilting voice. She smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes that no prosaic language can express. Well truthfully, he wasn’t sure, but she was wearing what is best described as an upside down blue tin on her head. Such things can only bring sadness.

‘Sir?’ she asked again and she continued to smile. She was well proportioned; quite buxom. A fine ribs-to-funbags ratio. She looked at Anirban, her smile fixed. He felt a rush of feeling toward her. Most of that feeling was concentrated in a particular region, but at the same time he felt a hint of disgust. A hint of disgust that had no place being, yet was.

And suddenly- there was silence. He pondered his ambivalence, mulling it over in his mind, oblivious to the silence, the hum of the engine, the vibration of the plane-

‘Sir can you stop typing?’ she said finally to Anirban, who turned and flashed her a charming smile while continuing to type with one hand. A feat he could accomplish, because he was fucking awesome.

‘Yes m’lady’ he replied handsomely. This is also possible to do.

She tittered at being addressed in such a fashion. She was, after all a waitress in the sky and he, a liberal serving of man candy.

‘What would that be?’ she asked Anirban, who hadn’t replied yet because it takes much longer to type with one hand.

‘A whiskey’ breathed Anirban, dangerously.

‘Sir, we do not serve alcohol on domestic flights’ she said. Her mouth was probably wry, but this fact lay unverified on account of the aforementioned ribs-to-funbag ratio, coupled with the fact that Anirban had only two eyes.

‘Ah’ said Anirban, leaning back in his seat, stroking his chin with his free hand.

‘This is a domestic flight?’ he asked.

‘Yes sir’

‘I see’ said Anirban. This complicated matters slightly.

‘And where does this flight go?’

‘New Delhi, sir’ said air hostess funbags.

‘Dash it all!’ exclaimed Anirban for no particular reason, striking the tray of the person to his left, as his tray was occupied by his laptop, and no one hits the Macbook.

‘FUCK!’ screamed the man next to Anirban, whose groin had been splashed with hot coffee caused by table-banging. (The boring kind of table banging. It is also useful to note that there is no interesting kind EDIT: OMG yes there is.)

The air hostess was quick to begin to mop the spill. And leant over the man, undoing her scarf-

‘Sir, could you stop doing that?’ she said to Anirban, who was now loudly humming 70s porno music, while winking at her.
People are ungrateful, thought Anirban and resumed typing with both hands.

The flight landed in Delhi and Kanan sat in the airport terminal, having a few hours to kill before his next flight to Bangalore.

Now Anirban sat at the airport, with an hour more to kill. He proceeded to the smoking lounge, doing his best to look business-like. He struck up a conversation with a middle aged man, who was looking into Anirban’s laptop screen and was OVERWEIGHT and beginning to lose his hair and possibly the function of his genitals

“Hello” said the man, smiling benignly.

“Top o’ the mornin’! ” replied Anirban cheerfully.

“Uh..”

“Yes.”

“I’m [not paying attention and even if I was, I’d have forgotten by now] ” said the man. “Saurabh, actually” said the man, who Anirban had forgotten was still looking into his laptop screen the motherfu-

“I’m a business man” replied Anirban stiffly, brushing off the shoulders of his Spongebob T-shirt.

“Of course you are” said fucking douchebag who was wouldn’t stop looking into Anirban’s screen.

“Lets cut to the chase shall we? Who are you?” said Anirban, in an business-like fashion.

“I just told you I’m [still not paying attention]

“So you are” said Anirban. “Listen, what do you want? I’m kind of in the middle of something right now”

“Uh. You started a conversation with me, and then pretended like I started it. I can’t help but notice that that fact is not reflected in whatever you’re writing” said the pretentious douchebag who continued to eyeball fuck Anirban’s screen because of his general ineptitude and lack of understanding of PERSONAL SPACE.

“I try to be as accurate as possible” snapped Anirban.

“Can I ask you why exactly you’re doing what you’re doing?” asked the man, who we may now note had stopped looking into Anirban’s laptop screen. Bitch.

“I have writers block” said Anirban woefully. “This is a desperate attempt to overcome it”

“Ah. So you’re a writer!” said the man.

“Very much sir. Very much” said Anirban, moving a little closer to the man.

“So you write, books, screenplays, articles, what?” said the man.

“I..er. I have a blog.” said Anirban.

“Oh” said the man. “thats..uhm..”

“I’m a student!” cut in Anirban, quickly.

“So you’re studying writing then? Or just some general English litt. course?”

“Umm. Kinda. Well, in the sense that it’s less writing and more engineering”

“So you’re an engineer” said the man, with a trace of disappointment in his voice.

“Engineering student” replied Anirban, feeling continuously worse as this conversation proceeded.

“Don’t feel bad about it” said the man, who it appears had begun to look into Anirban’s laptop screen again, the nosy little bitc-

“I’ve stopped looking” said the man quickly, causing Anirban to stop gritting his teeth ferociously.

“Think about it bro” said the man, who for some reason felt that he had reached bro status. “Writers get writers block, musicians the same, creative fields are dominated by words to express a lack of creativity, but really they’re just general slumps. And slumps happen in every field. Even engineering” he said, with unnecessary drama.

“Achieve to be the highest you can be, and persevere through the slumps, that’s just life. Be all you can be, reach the highest possible platform, the zenith, rise up to the sun-”

“SUN BLOCK!” said Anirban. “Sorry. Necessary joke, but too easy. Carry on”

“I’m going to leave” said the man.

But Anirban beat him to it. He may have failed to push the man down the stairs. At that might also have been a completely different man. He may also have spent the next hour hiding in a coffee shop till they called for his flight’s boarding. Prove it.

As he boarded his next flight, he realized that weird nosy laptop screen staring man had an extremely valid point. Maybe writer’s block was like sun block. It shielded the skin from writing and prevented rashes and tanning.

That’s what life is really about.

Leave comments or I will hunt you down and make you. I have google analytics and I’m not afraid to use it.

Your Insane Guide To Picking Up Women

Hey you.
Yes, you.
You in the shirt, with the thing, and the tears. Life not going so well? Do you suffer from poor self esteem? Can’t seem to catch a break with the ladies? Do women cringe at your presence and scream and run at the sound of your name? Has repeated experience made you now enjoy the occasional pepper spray in the eyes?
 
Well congratulations, champion. This is the guide you’ve been looking for. For years I have leveraged my social numbness and unbeatable prettiness to zooma zoom zoom zoom in many boom booms. However, this evening as I lounge in my armchair, wrapped in my  official spongebob smoking jacket, I realise that this knowledge would mean so much more if it was shared with the unsexed masses. That’s you.
 
So enough idle chat, lay down your tissues and stop sputtering. I will make a man out of you yet. Okay, poor choice of words, please put your pants back on. Damn! Has it been that long?
What? Okay then let’s get to it quickly.
 
Let me first paint you a scene, that I’m sure you’ve seen altogether too often. You’re standing in a public gathering and your see this exquisite woman out of the corner of your eye. So sheer was her beauty, that you can never see out of that corner of your eye again, which was worth it in retrospect, because that’s a stupid way to look at people. This insurmountable distance that separates her from your side becomes increasingly unbearable, but you are at a loss for what to do. 
Your intentions are correct but you are in want of a methodology besides your usual ‘jump and wave’. Here’s where you remember me and follow the steps :
Open: Look at your target. She’s not standing alone is she? No, of course not – she has friends. (Note to you: get some friends)  She’s standing with a group of her peers, each of these men and women being an obstacle to your success. To get to her, you must first approach them and initiate a conversation with the entire group.
 
What’s vital here, is as you approach the group, you must betray absolutely no eagerness to speak to them whatsoever. I outline some ways to do this below:
 
Heyyyy! You guys:
Go and say hello in the most warm way possible to one member of the group. This can be with a hug, peck on the cheek, borderline dry-humping and so on. But as the recently dry humped individual meditates a response to your gyrations, you instantly begin talking to the rest of the group. They will automatically think that you were friends with the confused dry-humpee.
 
And you can lead from there.
 
Do you have the time?:
This is a tad complicated so I’ll explain using a conversation.
You (talking to  stranger in group, pointing at watch): Hey, do you have the time? 
Stranger in group: “Yeah, it’s ten -“
You(Cutting them off): “It’s a yes or no question, buddy.”
Stranger: “What? I’m trying to tell you the ti-“
You: “You do have the time! Why did you take it? Who gave it to you? Was it Rahul? Damn that Rahul!”
Stranger: “Wha- I-“
You: “I need it for THE PORTAL YOU FOOL!”
Stranger (possibly backing away, with group): – –
You(speaking louder, so the retreating group can hear you):  “you will NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER TODAY-“
 
And you can lead from there.
Noooo duuuuudde!:
Works best when your target group of choice is on a balcony or some place with open windows. Get a friend to go the window nearest the group and jump off. Make sure he screams quite loudly because the groups attention to the jumping here is paramount. As the group turns and notices that someone has vaulted off the premises, run the the window screaming
“Noooooo! Rahul! Whyyyyyy?”
This will garner feelings of sympathy towards  you from all present.
Continue, now while sobbing “..I didn’t even care that you gave that guy the time..” (This is important to really seal the authenticity of the situation in all present.)
Now you are free to approach the group.
 
You: Hey guys, did you see that? Funny story. Oh, you will never guess what happened earlier today-
And lead from there. 
 
Attract: Now that you’ve got their attention, you must demonstrate that you are a man of value. A man of skill and talent and prowess, a man that can melt the hearts of women because he has so much to offer to the world. A man that has qualities and abilities that are desirable. To do this, you may use the following:
 
Palm reading: 
Softly, but firmly, grab the hand of your target and thrust it palm-upwards in front of your face. Cluck your tongue and shake your head.
You: “oh no…no…no.. Jesus”
Woman: “What? what is it?”
You: “Look, this is the grope line.”
Woman: “where?”
You: “Look! it’s right here”
Woman(Looking closer): “Where?”
You(quickly pulling her palm and placing it one your chest. Pref. atop a nipple):”How DARE you?”
Woman:”What? I-“
You:”Just because I’m talking to you, and I’m being nice to you, you think it’s an invitation to grope me?”
Woman: “You pulled -“
You (burst into tears and run away)
This demonstrates personal integrity. She will now value your character and not think you’re a slut.
Cold Reading and psychological tricks:
Look deep into the eyes of your target and determine that you have the ability to tell when she last had a cold. She will be skeptical, this is understandable. Tell her you are adept at ‘cold reading’ while raising your eyebrows several times. At this point she will probably challenge you to ask her when she last had a cold. Improvise.
Seduce: By now you would have successfully penetrated the society of your target as well as attracted her to you. Why yes, you do deserve a high five. High five! Okay now stop jumping. You’re embarrassing yourself. You find yourself now at the last and most interesting step of your journey into pants. Seduction.
 
There are many methods to seduce women, and honestly you should figure this part out on your own. But I’ll give you a quick sample.
You: “Well…”
Woman: “Yes?”
You: “Sex.”
That one’s a classic.
Field Report:
Went out yesterday wearing, large U-shaped magnet around my neck and pants with zippers along the sides of the legs and my “I like girls, that like girls, that are free from existential crises” t-shirt. Spotted a fiery brunette with cheekbones like a babies elbows and a tight black dress drawn taut around her tall frame. Basically, she was pretty hot. I told my wing man (N. diddy, who was incidentally wearing Khaki pants, like an asshole) 
that we might go for the ‘nooooo dude!’ so he should be ready to leap off the balcony. Then I told him he would probably die in Khakis. Who wears Khakis at night? Asshole.

I sidled up to a group and hugged a short guy wearing glasses. (PROTIP: Short guys wearing glasses usually need love and they will respond to hugging positively. Just be sure to break away quickly otherwise things get weird.) I smiled at him and turned to the rest of the group, which was the target and another girl with emo hair.
 
“Heyyy, you guys!” I said. The short guy with glasses rubbed his cheeks and smiled.
“Hi”, said the girls and resumed their conversation.
 
Women will often disguise interest with a complete lack of interest. Do not be fooled.
 
I needed to get between them so I could be better placed strategically. I moved into position doing the running man and staring in the eyes of emo girl. That’s because I guessed that her hairstyle would have resulted in poor depth perception, allowing me to get closer to her without her realising how close.
 
I was wrong, but that didn’t matter. 
 
“I know how to cold read!” I yelled at the target over loud music.
“What?” she yelled, backing away.
“I know how TO COLD READ” I yelled at her again.
“WHAT?”
“I can tell when you last have a cold!”
“WHAT?”
“I CAN TELL WHEN YOU LAST-“
“You know that I can hear you? I’m saying ‘what’ because you’re not making any sense!”
“WHAT? Ohh. I can tell when you last had a cold!”
“Wha-ok. Fine. When was that?”
“It was last week.  ..? “
“No it wasn’t”
“That’s right, I was testing you!”
“Were you?”
“Damn straight”
“Uhuh..”
“Well…”
“Yes?”
“Sex.”
 
Being the gentlemen that I am, I cannot tell you how the rest of the night went.
 
Leave plenty of comments my pretties. It has been quite a while, and yes, I have done all of these things.

RIP Newshour

Arnab’s leaving. Just saying those words are devastating. As I heard the news, I stared at my TV, uncomfortable with the ensuing silence, an ominous quiet of the future to come, where I can hear birds and my own thoughts.

My TV, if it could speak, wanted to say, “thank you, I can go back to being a normal TV now and not worry about an anchor trying to jump out of me” – but I was in no mood to mollify inanimate Samsung objects. Nor was I up for appreciating smart-ass comedy wit on Twitter :
“You asked for a noise-less Diwali and here it is.”
“The Nation is relieved.”
Blah blah.
Do these cretins not realise that the messiah is not bothered by this juvenile teenage sarcasm? You think 138 characters can bring down a man who can become 138 characters?

Is this the time for humour, when we’ve just lost the only voice on television that was also all the other voices? In the age of comedy, will we not respect the most sacred Indian value of making sure everyone talks at once only to be overridden by the Messiah’s booming, “Just one minute. One minute…”

What, what kind of a world does he leave behind –a world of silence, of listening, of rational discussion, of both sides being right AND wrong – who wants that world? What is this – Canada?

As the great filmmaker Werner Herzog said in his memoir, “Whatever you do in life, always be aware of the bear behind you”. Arnab was the nation’s bear. Now the nation is bear-less. Johnny Cash, the singer once wrote,
There’s a man going around taking names And he decides who to free and who to blame. Everybody won’t be treated all the same when the man comes around.
That man isn’t coming around anymore. Your idiot friends are, some food app delivery boy is – but not Arnab’s justice. So nation, you are announced NOT guilty. What a shame. And who’ll decide your crimes? A court. What is that? Isn’t that just a movie?

Look what justice is now left with – this court place – people wearing black robes like they’re at morning assembly at a convent school guided by clauses written by British men in wigs influenced only by “evidence” (whatever that is).
Real justice – THE man saying to the nation, “I am saying to the nation you did it”- just died. And with that – the hopes of his fans – that someday he’d shoot the people he found guilty live on air. The hope that along-with the piece of paper he holds up with nothing written on it, there’d be a gun in the other hand – alas, will never be.

And how can he just walk away from the nation like this? Those that rely on him for everything. The stoned drunk single 24-year-old man at 3 am for whom Newshour is a trippy dream and his girlfriend. The families who have years of discontent and dysfunction and nothing to say to each other, who get by without confronting their issues by saying, “Did you see what he did last night?” The retired Pakistani generals whose entire post-pension income is based on keeping that moustache curled, looking like a Pakistani general, and ready to be shouted at.

The quiet die-hard right-wing guy in every family whose true colors can only be spotted, (like the near extinct Amazon lizard), when he steps out as himself – by his vehement agreement with Newshour, and you wonder, ‘Wow. This is different guy”. The comedians and satirists, a large chunk of whose income is based on Arnab impressions. Do we really want to live in a world where their children ask, “Dad who are you imitating? Who is that?” The Congress spokesperson who has forgotten how to finish his sentences.
Arnab has abandoned them, just like he would when something logical was beginning to be said on the show and he’d shout, “Rubbish. Ad break.”
What will happen to these people? What other test is there for Gen X and Y now to truly understand that their parents are mad, except the Newshour?
Still, all is not lost.

Like he rises from his bear repose by threatening “never ever ever never” to someone accusing him of taking a bribe, he will rise again. By sitting, that is. On an anchor’s desk. The kraken will be unleashed again.

He mentioned something about starting a news empire that can take on the CNN/ BBC hegemony. Amen. Why take on – overtake is my hope. Why aim just for this planet’s news media domination? Maybe one day it becomes so big that it is broadcast to other planets so any intelligent life out there will be convinced not to contact us.
We, his devotees, are ready for Arnab TV, modeled along the lines of Trump TV perhaps (but even bigger because Trump is small fry). As a sleight to NDTV 24/7, perhaps called Arnab 24/7. Yes Arnab from 8 am – nervous breakdown with morning coffee.

Sadly, they say the world is not ready for all this. That’s why he’s taking a break. In journalism they say that when something happens in the world, journalists are ready. In his case, he’s ready – now he has to make the world ready.
Till then, I will watch, in depressed annoyance, regional channels like the BBC; the old age home of journalism with informed people “listening to each other” (useless).
And as Shakespeare said in As You Like It, I will say to HIM:
“Hereafter, in a better world than this, I shall desire more love and knowledge of you”.

The Art Of Killing Mosquitoes

Day 9

Mosquito hunting with the electrical bat can surprisingly be quite therapeutic. Especially during study holidays when one frequently feels the need to maim or seriously injure.

It also comes with a LED torch in case you need something bigger than a mosquito, hiding behind the closet, to electrocute to death.

I don’t know what function the torch has in electrocuting mosquitoes to death.

And I’ve only broken one glass so far.

I actually think they should make it into an Olympic sport. Send in a guy with a fully charged mosquito bat, and give him +10 for every dead mosquito and -5 for every bite. And a disqualification for breaking anything, just to keep things interesting.

The Laws Of Study Vacations

Day 13

Over the past few days, I’ve made a remarkable observation – the laws governing study vacations are as fundamental as Newton’s laws of motion. Here is a comprehensive guide :

Law of diminishing returns – During the study vacation, there is, on average, a 10% decrease in the total amount of studying that is done on any given day, as compared to the preceding day.

This trend, however, is abruptly reversed and accompanied with a sudden surge in both vigor and panic, at a specific point in time (the “break point”) which usually occurs no earlier than 48 hours before the start of the exam (by which time, of course, the outcome of the examination has become inevitable, and the probability of altering it tends to zero).

Law of failed adherence – No timetable, without exception, however well-planned and seemingly practicable, will ever work as planned or be successfully implemented. This holds good for timetables that extend over months, weeks, days, hours, or even intervals of 10 minutes.

Law of extraneous influences – In the process of attempting to study, all things unrelated to the study material become supremely fascinating, and the student feels an obsessive and compulsive need to stare at blank walls, update blogs and play Criminal Case.

Law of successful recollection (applicable primarily to science students) – If the student possesses the ability to recollect, with reasonable accuracy, just one paragraph from one page after intensive reading for one hour, then the period of study shall be deemed to have been sufficiently productive.

Law of wishful thinking – Every student begins to incessantly replay some impossible fantasy in his/her mind, always ending with some disastrous event (like a gigantic asteroid hitting the college) that results in the cancellation of the approaching exam.

P.S. No asteroid did, unfortunately, crash into my college. I checked.

Final Exams : Because No One Deserves To Be Happy

Day 6
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This picture has been shared around a lot on Facebook. But from what I saw over the last week, I’ve realized that this is a gross misconception. The actual last five minutes (or the last thirty, in my case) were spent thusly:

ragecomic

I even tried asking one of the invigilators what was causing my fellow classmates to make such obvious physical effort in filling out the answers, while I was counting the number of fans on the ceiling. Perhaps there was some kind of a secret puzzle that had to be cracked in order to reveal another question or something. On the first day, I even tried putting all the letters of each line together to see if that would lead me somewhere, only to get “EDSHUI SSATPP MPPW”. How intriguing. It actually didn’t sound a whole lot different than the actual question they had asked, like “What is GQMWP?”

I finally decided that the most effective way to spend all my free time would be to take a quick nap. You’d understand my astonishment when everyone came out of the examination hall and told me that there was no time to finish writing everything they wanted to.

The way I see it, there are two possible explanations here. Either I’m selectively blind to some kind of invisible ink that they use to print the back of the question paper, or I’m just plain dumb. I’m not too sure about the invisible ink.

Anyway, that was a week ago, and then we went on to watch this random B-graded Hindi movie. After a week of not sleeping, you don’t usually care much for such things as quality when you select a movie. Plus, after this ordeal, my mind wanted something titillating.
But unfortunately for me, the one we went to watch got me worked up all the more. Rather than having actresses dance in the rain amidst a jungle, or censored impromptu sex scenes peppered adequately with flashes of cleavage, this one had some strong advice for the audience, delivered in typical Tamil-movie-style ; advice that no fresh-out-of-the-exam-hall college student wants to hear. Advice on the importance of education and studying hard.

Good Porn, Bad Porn And The Culture Of Ban

There has been an upsurge in the opinion amongst ordinary people and legal experts about the criminal impact of porn on people’s psyche in general and the youngsters in particular, with an increased reporting on crimes against women and children recently. A thought which comes to mind after reading these lines is that the real culprit behind these crimes must be porn. A PIL was filed in April, 2014 in the Supreme Court which sought, among others things, a specific law on pornography; and to make watching of porn videos as a non-bailable and cognizable offence.

Serious concerns have been raised in the PIL about free availability of porn on the internet, its impact on people, violence against women etc. and the Court issued notice to the Central Government and the government replied by saying, “Blocking porn sites would cause greater harm”. Without getting into the legal nitty-gritty of the PIL , the issue at hand is whether we will develop a scientific response to such issues or go by tittle-tattle. It is beyond the scope of this article to explore the scientific relationship between porn and crime and that there is no such conclusive study available or done to establish the same. The article in no way tries to promote insensitivity about crimes against women and children, and is an attempt to understand ways in which the term, ‘Porn’ is defined, used and misused.

Definition of Porn according to Oxford Dictionary is, “Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate sexual excitement. Synonym of Porn includes words like erotica”. On one hand, we have the much stigmatized porn, and on the other, the artistic erotica finding a place in the literary works and part of mainstream culture. There can be any number of opinions for and against porn and the divide results from the way we define it.

So, let’s start by asking a simple question, what constitutes porn? A cursory look at the above gives a standard definition of porn but leaves so many questions unanswered. For instance, a consenting adult couple indulging in sexual activity uses printed/visual material (Vatsyayana’s Kama Sutra) to heighten sexual excitement. Under which category will we place such an activity, porn or erotica? Another example can be of a married couple indulging in sex and recording their act to watch it later for purely private purposes. Would it be termed porn and thus stigmatized or will it be passed in the name of private affairs of two consenting married adults enjoying their marriage life. What kind of criminal tendencies will it generate in such cases?

Porn is vital to freedom“, says Rushdie. In an extract from his essay, The East is Blue; Rushdie implies that Muslims are avid consumers of pornography because of the segregation of the sexes. This is not just true for Muslims but for all the people around the world. With no sex education allowed in the schools in India and parents trying their best to avoid and suppress any information relating to the word sex, the youngsters turn towards peers and all possible sources to understand the psychological, biological changes that their bodies go through. This might result in gaining wrong information about their own bodies, unacceptable sexual behaviours etc. If proper guidance can be made available to our youngsters, if free mixing of both the sexes is allowed without any prejudice or bias, then it might change the way we tend to perceive porn or pornographic literature.

India has, according to studies reported in Firstpost, some of the highest rates of sexual crimes against children in the world: in 2007, 53% of children reported one or more forms of sexual abuse. This can’t possibly, given low levels of internet access, be linked to online porn.

We must try and identify correctly the cause of a problem. Dowry practice is prevalent in all corners of the country, but can it be said that it is because of pornography. Of late, it has become a fashion to put blame on those which are not even remotely related to the issue. The article in no way tries to defend or oppose porn or its many avatars. It tries to highlight the way in which we deal with any issue of concern. Terms like development of scientific temper, objectivity, and rationality have been reduced to purely academic discussions and conversations, and every vice is blamed on the west. Freedom has come to be understood in a very narrow sense of the term and moral policing is exercised as a fundamental right in the country. The tendency to prescribe remedy without understanding the root of the problem is posing serious challenges to the society at large. To promote porn or not is altogether a different question. Our decisions and choices should be guided by rationality and not by any unscientific approach.

How To Take The Perfect Selfie

If you don’t know what a selfie is then there is no hope left for you in this world. So I’ll be jumping right in.

A good selfie requires that:

1. You need to be self-aware. Or have a nice face. Or at least, think you have a nice face. Or most probably just be delusional, obnoxious, vain and a self righteous prick/bitch. (depending on your gender).

2. You need to own a smart phone, preferably one that can flip the screen around so that you can see how to pull the most idiotic expression you can come up with, before capturing it for everyone to laugh at. And it needs to be a decent smart phone for nothing says: “I’m trying too hard” like a low resolution picture. And remember if all else fails you can even use a mirror, but please be aware of what might be lurking in the background, for as with most mirrors, it will be captured in the reflection. Oh and before I forget, remember to use a flash, for that might hide your face and protect you from serious ridicule.

3. You need to be on a social network. Sorry, let me rephrase that, you need to be on every social network known to man, alien and other semi-intelligent life-forms. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and what ever else may be out there at the moment. It’s all those places where the people who lost the ability to connect in ridiculous ways, like talking for example, hang out. You see you need to cast your selfie over the vast open spaces of the Internet, and in so doing you’re spreading happiness and joy, for everyone needs something to make them forget their troubles and break out in hysterics. Besides you’re also providing a service to parents like me, who now have an indexed album of examples, of people whom my kids are not allowed to bring home. Ever.

4. You need to be able to pout. Like when your eating a lemon after being stung by a bee on your lower lip. No scrap that, on both lips. Think Extreme pouting. Or just visit any mediocre celebrity’s Instagram page for a sample. You might as well wear a shirt that says “I’m cheap” when you don’t commit and give a mediocre, half-assed pout. Technically, pouting your lips is body language for I’m a whore, and I’ll do anything for I’m desperate and alone, but that’s just my interpretation.

5. If you don’t have that much of a face, and you know it, well first off, kudos’ to you! But please don’t let that stop you, just show some cleavage. Your rack will distract all attention from the ugly features of your face, so no one will even notice. Especially if you show some real inventive ways of showing off the twins i.e covered in hair or nothing. For guys, same rule apply. Show some pectoral muscles, and if you don’t have any…Well then…I don’t know.

6. Have long arms, the longer they are the better. The problem with a lot of selfies is that it’s either out of focus or it’s cropped showing one eye and some facial hair. And then there is the numerous photos of men… Take a moment and consider how much of your face will be in the shot. If you can’t fit the whole thing, then revert to the mirror technique. People don’t want to guess which idiot they are seeing, they want the full reveal.

7. And if you can’t do any of the above, well just take a picture of yourself doing something really amazing, like hanging on a door, showing off your ass, touching your lips or eating a hot dog. Because we can all do with a little inspiration.

And with that I’m done. But seriously :

If you want to post a photo of yourself, get someone to take the frigging photo for you, at a decent angle, with some consideration for composure and lighting. Then crop and edit. It’s that simple.

It remains one of the most ridiculous things on the Internet today, in my humble opinion. Well that and the fan page for Kanye West.

How To Not Get Hired

I love the work I do, I love my boss, and I love that I am not the boss.

And all that love puts me in the tiniest minority of people in the history of the world. As far as I know, it’s just me and some guy in Nowhere, Oklahoma, who lives for grilled cheese sandwiches and works at a bread factory that his best friend owns.

The only part of my job I don’t like involves hiring co-workers.  You see, over the years, I’ve noticed a tendency for people to interview for jobs they don’t want.

Of course, they’re never so obvious as to just say “I don’t want this job.” Nor do they take the path most traveled and simply not apply.  No, these people devise clever stratagems that must take nights of planning.

After years of researching the best of the best in this particular field, I’ve created a comprehensive guide to help those with the same mission.  For those of you actively applying for jobs you don’t want, I hope these 8 Reminders lead to the pathway to all your life’s desires.

8 Easy Ways to Not Get a Job

You know what they say about the mice, men, and best-laid plans.  You planned to not get this job while applying, but this office or store is obviously desperate for help. They reviewed your half-completed application and typo-ridden résumé, and still decided invited you in for an interview.

Here’s how to take this crazy bull by the horns and keep from getting hired.

1. Show Up Late

This is important. Nothing suggests a total disregard for the people waiting for you like showing up 10 minutes late. Don’t let it go with a simple apology, either– no, explain it with a story that takes another 10 minutes to tell. The more mundane your story, the better– consider the one about how you lost your keys and looked everywhere. Be specific. Did you check the fridge?  Was it by the lettuce or cheese?  Where did you buy the lettuce?

2. Hesitate Awkwardly Over Security and Safety Questions

When the interviewer jovially asks, “Do you get along well with others? No fist-fights with co-workers, etc, haha!”, do not make eye contact. Wait a good 3 minutes and then answer, “Yes.”

Do not explain.

3. Talk About Poop

poop

A lot.

In fact, if you can find some way to integrate poop into every question you answer, then consider yourself a success.

You can explain it however you choose. Tell that story again about how you’re a parent returning to the workforce and that poop has become the cornerstone of your existence. The reason is really just for you, since any poop talk will move you to the bottom of the stack.

You might as well be creative!

4.  Keep your Phone On and Take All Calls

Answer the phone on the first ring without explaining and put your finger over your mouth to keep that noisy interviewer from interrupting. After the call is over, go into extreme detail about the person who called and what their call means to you. If you’ve ever had sex with that person, include that information.

5. Dress Down

Select your interview outfit from any combination of the following clothing items: sweat pants (preferably neon-colored), mumus, overalls with biblical verses embroided, blue jeans with holes, and Che Guevara t-shirts. Do not wear shoes! This is an interview, not the opera!

6. Provide False or Bad References

Do you remember that guy you beat up in the 5th grade? Give his number. You know the neighbors you keep up all night with your rabble-rousing and drug-dealing? Give their number, too.

Also, always remember to include the President of the United States and other important people for whom you did not work.

7. Push

If you have a feeling the interviewer is enjoying your company too much, emphasize your sentences by pushing them. Use both hands.

8.  Lie

Tell them that story about how someone tried to rob the mall store where you worked. Be sure to explain how you jumped over the counter, ran down two flights of stairs, and finally beat up that crook at the bottom of an escalator to your favorite Bon Jovi song. Punctuate the story with sound effects, punching demonstrations, and by singing Eye of the Tiger at full volume. Bon Jovi didn’t sing Eye of the Tiger, but that’s alright.  Just insist he did.

______________________________________

That’s the best of the best, friends.

I hope it saves you from the pesky jobs that you apply for, interview for, and never wanted in the first place!

How Not To Pack For Vacation

You’ve worked hard and now it’s time to think about getting away from all the stress associated with everyday life. It’s time for a holiday. Those vacations are usually a once a year trip that we plan, dream of and sometimes, obsess about. Every little detail is scrutinized over to squeeze out the maximum amount of pleasure from the limited period allotted for ‘time off.’ To ensure the most fun deemed feasible from your trip and, possibly off the radar of the local, friendly police force, here is a suggestion for how not to pack for a vacation. Some of the items on this list will more than likely land you in an extended holiday in a dank, dark prison cell, or worse, in the doghouse. Other items are things that, at the time, seemed like a good idea, but turned out to bring a little hell to our otherwise peaceful existence.

1. Porn.

Videos of you and your significant other engaged in clothing optional nocturnal activities should be left at home. These little discs of blackmail material can turn up missing while your luggage is being scanned by those trustworthy and upstanding security officers. Years from now, you don’t want to be running for some political office only to have your campaign derailed because of your raunchy sex tape (unless you decide to tweet pictures of you man parts like a certain politician from New York did and decide to run again – I really don’t wanna see your Weiner). Although, it could help you become an internet sensation. Instead, make new videos while on vacation as a souvenir of the great time you had while on vacation. Unlike other vacation videos, these will be sure to be watched over and over.

2. Illegal drugs.

Yes, it is a time to relax and forget about stressful things like work, bills, and the neighbor’s dog that barks all night. But, leaving the illegal substances at home will ensure almost stress-free travel to your vacation destination. Buy your recreational drugs when you get there, you will be stimulating the local economy and experiencing a little of the native culture. As an added bonus, if you are arrested for buying or using an illegal substance, you will get a free tour of the inside of their judicial and prison systems. Now that is something to write home about.

3. Weapons.

Unless you are an international spy, a rogue agent or a freelance hitman, it’s best to leave the weapons to the professionals. Those automatic rifles, blinged out pistols, and stun gun in a stapler are freakin’ cool, but they don’t belong on a plane, train or automobile (cruise ships might be ok – especially if you run the risk of going weeks without power and need to defend yourself or hunt for food). You don’t want to be joining your drug using buddies in the local pokey because you forgot to leave your Bowie knife cum bottle opener next to the case of Coors Light and the stack of adult rated, late night, home movies.

4. Exotic animals.

Only Hollywood types and eccentrics bring along their favorite Bengal tiger or barfy cute kinkajou. And you don’t want the local drug lord or crooked police chief taking notice of you and pressuring you into handing over your beloved pet or sacrifice a family member until you agree to his terms. Stop looking at your spouse like that. If it wasn’t for them, you’d probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, hung over from a three day bender and trying to remember your mother’s maiden name. You owe them your life. Leave Fluffy at home and everyone lives happily ever after. Ok, mostly happy. (Look what happened to Beiber and his poor little monkey – not *that* monkey, perv!)

5. Boyfriend/girlfriend (if you’re married).

Lest you are a master juggler, taking along your boyfriend/girlfriend and your spouse is probably not the wisest decision you will ever make. The probability of them crossing paths would send even the most ruthless and daring bookie heading for a safer bet. Save the rendezvous with the extra marital baggage for those boring, out of town meetings and conventions that your better half simply abhors.

6. Mother-in-law.

This is supposed to be fun, right? Why would you bring along a miserable, nagging, old hag that will probably complain about everything from the lumpy bed to the tight ass on the half-naked cabana boy serving watered down rum punch? Unless you plan on stuffing a dirty sock in her mouth and duct taping it in place, accidently forget to pick her up on the way to the airport and enjoy your well-earned holiday. Just don’t forget to turn off the cell phone and tell the front desk that you are unavailable.

7. Work.

No matter how much your pimp whines, leave his good for nothing ass at home. You need a little time to let your hair down, relax and enjoy life. After all, you earned that measly 10% that he allows you to keep from all that back breaking, knee scraping physical labor. And don’t even think about sending him anything. When he went on vacation, where were you? Yeah, you were working to support him. And who did he take on his vacation? He took that ho, Cindy-May. Girl, don’t even think about going back. You packed your bags, hopped a plane and now you’re in paradise. This is life’s way of telling you it’s time to start over.  Grab that pole and shake your money maker!

Bonus:

8. Friends.

Unless you can stand seeing them first thing in the morning without a caffeine injection, fresh clothes, make up, or showered, leave them behind. You may not want to ruin a perfectly good friendship and a vacation of a lifetime by freaking out when you see them naked. And how much do you really want to know about their bathroom routine? I didn’t think so.

Vacations are the time to set aside the stressors from work, home and life in general. A little forethought and planning can go a long way to ensure your vacation is postcard perfect. By leaving behind items that may induce stress, you are almost guaranteed to have at the best damn time allowed by law, unless it’s otherwise stated in the fine print.

Disclaimer: The author takes no responsibility for any reader’s actions if said reader takes it upon themselves to follow or ignore the following not so helpful hints and advice on packing for a holiday. Reader’s discretion is advised. Read at your own risk. Do not operate heavy machinery while texting. May cause erectile malfunction. Some assembly suggested. Only use under the direction of a trained medical professional – medical school drop outs count. You have been warned.