Why Does Rejection By Your Crush Hurt So Much

Crushes are beautiful. Sometimes even more beautiful than relationships themselves. They remind you of a perfect world; two lovers existing in a blissful modern-day fairytale; no disagreements, no jealousies, no tiffs. They say the best thing you can do to your love is to never marry them. In English poetry, the concept of the unattainable mistress has been very popular. The languishing lover, usually the poet, pines for the love of the icy beloved who doesn’t give a hoot about him.

Something similar happens in real life too, even though we may not realise it. Crushes are very often one-sided, more often than we’d like them to be. And this probably is not gender specific; it ails both men and women equally. The reasons could be many—perhaps you are not yourself in front of them; perhaps you two are very different people (a fact responsible for you liking them but also for them not noticing you).

Stealing glances at them; butterflies in the stomach when they come to talk to you, stalking them on Facebook are just the first sensations of love we feel. And they are often so overwhelming, often orgasmic in their headiness that everything else fades into oblivion. Overcome by that feeling, you can never be yourself in their presence. Perhaps you fall silent, perhaps you falter; hopefully you just don’t grin from ear to ear in their presence; you are too busy admiring them, basking in the warm glow of love. Or sometimes you are too chatty, too close for comfort, always available, always the guy staring.

They say we always like someone who we think is better than us or is out of our league—more good-looking, smarter, more successful. While that’s somewhat true about infatuation and the outward signs could confirm that, truth is we often take a liking to someone when we see in them what we desire in life. You may be able to see something in someone that the rest of the world can’t. You like the fact that she can stand up for herself; you like it that she can be so empathetic towards people; nobody else notices it but you do. You value those traits; maybe they come naturally to her but for you, they matter enough to make you fall in love with her. Her parameters of love could be different.

They say opposites attract, and that is one of the first laws of attraction, but it doesn’t guarantee a relationship. You love the way she laughs easily and heartily, something you never do. You love the way she brings life to every gathering. You are in awe of her. But will she be in love with you? Maybe yes, maybe not. She might not notice you, she might never get to know you, considering you don’t talk much. Often it ends as a one-sided feeling.

And then the hurt starts. The self-introspection, the self-blame, the embarrassment. You have to realise it didn’t happen because one of the two of you is better but because you are two very different people. If your natures are different, then your worlds are different, your friends are different, your tastes are different. Love doesn’t happen easily in such cases. A crush is like a beautiful rose bush; let it be, let it bloom away in the distance; don’t try to own it, don’t struggle too much to make it your own or you might ruin it forever. If it’s meant to happen, the wind will carry the fragrance to you.

Why It Hurts So Bad

So when our crush doesn’t reciprocate our feelings, why is it that we are left heart-broken? Have we fallen so in love with that person that we can’t imagine a life without them? Or do we think they were the one? And it couldn’t have been anyone better? But in reality, we grieve not over a lost love but over a hurt ego and a ‘what if’. They rejected us. They did not choose us. They did not develop a liking for us. We failed to entice them, to make them fall in love with us. We see it as a personal failure. At the end of the day, it’s not about them; it’s about us.

We all have insecurities and it’s perfectly okay to have them. Those very insecurities are brought to the fore when someone rejects us. Maybe it’s the hair; or if I had been a little taller; or if I were a tad wittier…the list never ends.

And then there are the what ifs. What if were perfect for each other? What if we got on like a house on fire? What if she secretly liked me? What if she was the one? Could we have been soulmates? The uncertainty is killing. The regret sharp. When it’s a crush that fails to materialize, you can never know. Whereas, in a relationship that eventually fades away, two people have gone through the process of falling out of love. They have tried and they have failed. They have spent good times and they have spent bad times. They have seen each other’s ugly.

But when your crush walks away, you are still head over heels over them. They still make your heart skip a beat. You are still in the most beautiful phase of falling in love—the one where you get tingly sensations in the stomach on seeing them. You did not get a chance to try it out and see if it worked or not. You did not get a chance to grow out of the heady feeling. And that’s why it hurts.

But, of course, it’s a phase that’s short-lived. When a crush fails, the pain is sharp but quick. Like a bandage being ripped off. As soon as we realize that all the hurt is within us, it’s very easy to get out of it. It’s the ego you’ve to nurse. It’s the hope you’ve to rekindle. Because there will be many more, many who like you. You will not miss the person. You will even forget their name. But you’ll nurse that heady feeling, that capacity to like someone so wholeheartedly and purely. As they say, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and you are a person who is beautiful enough to find beauty. Cherish that. You’ll always find it.

Advertisements

There Is Something Odd About Odd Numbers

Honestly, I did not know what time it was. It wasn’t one of those moments when you can’t tell five in the evening from seven. It was one of those when you wake up abruptly only to see that it’s still dark outside, but you can’t decide whether you’ve slept too much, or not enough. Only, I hadn’t been asleep; just been suspended in a hazy daze.

‘Sir, I know these are tough times for you, but we need you to cooperate.’

‘Hmm?’ I looked up, bemused.

‘Sir, I know these are…’

‘Oh yes. Right. What do you guys want from me?’

‘Sir, it’s policy. We need to know what happened?’

‘I just came back from work. I don’t know what she did, and why she did it.’

‘Sir, these cases aren’t common. Was she depressed?’

‘Not to my knowledge, no.’

‘Was she on any medicines?’

‘Yes. Valproate.’

‘Was she sick?’

‘I wouldn’t call her sick.’

‘What would you call her, then?’

‘Many things.’

‘Sir, the sooner I know everything, the sooner we can let you go. I suggest you cooperate. Like I said, I’m sorry, but it is imperative that we know everything. Protocol.’

And then, seeing that I had no other option, I told the police officer everything I knew, or correctly, everything I understood.

Breakfast was always two pieces of brown bread with the same number of boiled eggs, and a single cup of coffee split into two. No knives; two forks, one on each side and two teaspoons of sugar for the coffee.

Over the course of four weeks, my entire room had changed. I was always told that life changes once you’re married, but this wasn’t the kind of change I had ever anticipated. But then, I tried my best to respect, and reconcile with the fact that her ‘ideal’ home could, and probably did, differ from mine. Despite all my efforts to be understanding and accommodating, the discomfiture caused by the fact that I came home to a different place every day left me, well, for a better term, discomfited.

She had disposed off with the solitary sofa, and replaced it with two chairs, one for each side of the bed and two little tables to give them company. She had a keen eye for details, which she exhibited with the efficiency with which she replaced the five ceiling spotlights with two tube lights in the time I went to office and came back.

I thought I knew what I was taking upon myself when I married her, but her idiosyncrasies, ranging from the larger, obvious changes, to the barely conspicuous ones, left me astounded.

‘Why do you keep changing everything? What was wrong with the sofa?’

‘There is something odd about odd numbers.’ She would say.

I agree that her behavior was mostly cryptic, but there was something about her, that made her the only mystery in my life that I preferred unsolved.

She also hated stepping outside the house. There was something about the world that rendered her incapacitated, and ironically, there was something about her that made the world nervous as well.

She ensured that the curtains were always drawn, and windows were always shut. I started using the back door to come into the house whenever I managed to get free early to avoid arguments. It wasn’t a home to me anymore. It didn’t feel like one. It was just a house.

Usually, however, I came home around half-past seven. She used to make me two chapattis and a one vegetable dish, served in two different utensils. Her behavior was not something I even pretended to understand, but I respected her enough to cooperate.

She had found her solace in even numbers, like I’d found mine in her.

Every night, we watched television. She always watched two shows together, flitting between the channels every few minutes, like a restless hummingbird. She shook like one too, shaking her right leg so fast that the entire bed vibrated under her. At the end of this entire exercise, I had no clue as to what was happening in either of the shows, but I had no ideas for a better evening. She resisted change. In retrospect, her routine seemed almost attractive to me. Comforting.

She was oblivious to my existence sometimes, but I was in love. I had convinced myself that deep inside, she cared as much about me as I did about her.

When we finally went to bed around eleven, she would tell me that she loved me exactly thirty seven times. Then, she would hesitate, and say it once again, just to even things out. A while later, she would remember that he hadn’t changed into her nightdress and would spend another hour fidgeting in the bathroom. It left me strangely desolate in the beginning, but soon I got used to it. ‘Routine is good’, I told myself. ‘Routine is stability. She is stability.’

She used to change into her pink nightdress, but once back, she would decide that green would have been a better option. Finally having brushed her teeth twice, she would come back to the bed, where she would lie, her eyes vacant, completely oblivious to my presence. That allowed me to shamelessly stare at her face. Only, I’d decided not to. Her nonchalance was more agonizing than it was fascinating.
Sometimes, she’d kissed me. Once. Then twice. She wouldn’t stop. Or maybe, she couldn’t. It wasn’t me who was driving her. It was her inability to control her own actions.

Our nights were extremely volatile, a hint of desperation coloring the way she clutched at me, and then the sheets, before she pushed me off and stared at the ceiling, just as vacantly as before.

I would usually get about two hours of sleep before the effect of her afternoon pills wore off.
She had been asked to take a tablet a day- 50 milligrams of valproate, but she couldn’t do it.

‘That’s all? One pill? That’s a bid odd.’

I used to chuckle at her failure to acknowledge the humor in her statement. She was a genius sometimes, and she had all the problems other geniuses had. She was completely oblivious to the fact. And maybe, she was simply confounded by herself, because she did exceptionally well at what she couldn’t help doing.

We had to specially order pills worth 25 milligrams each so that she could have two of them.

‘This is much better. A single pill wouldn’t have made me feel right. The more, the merrier.’ She used to laugh.

A soft, mellow laugh. It became my existence, that laugh. I gave up more and more of myself just to hear it again. I drowned in her. Then, the pills would have their effect, and in a few moments that were defined by both revulsion and distress, she would fall unconscious, with her lips still hung up on her smile.

At four, she would decide to shake things up again.

‘The bed is dirty. The maid didn’t change the sheets.’ She would complain.

‘It’s okay, love. We’ll wash them in the morning.’

She wouldn’t protest, but she would pace around the room, anxiously. Then, in an attempt to feel better, she would toy with the tube light switches.
It disturbed me for a couple of weeks, but I knew better than to get up in the middle of the night and argue. Thirty-eight cycles later, she would come back to bed.

‘You don’t want to wash your feet?’ I would ask.

‘It’s 4:07. Maybe later.’

At four thirty, she used to get up again and walk to the window to count the stars. It was beguiling to see her at work.

‘One, two, three, four…five twenty-six, five twenty seven…ah drat.’

And sometimes, when the clouds would hide some of the stars, she would wait, hoping to see an even number through the windows. She was different, but then, she was just finding her solace, like all of us.

This used to happen every single night. The first two weeks had been a lot of surprises, but by the end of the fourth week, I had grown accustomed to her activities. I was in love with someone disturbed. I did not know the cause of the disturbance, and I could not help her. I could just be patient. And so I was.

Sometimes, I would go to work in June, and come back in August. She used to flip through the calendar as if it were her favorite book. Time wasn’t her best friend. She often complained about clocks too.

‘I don’t like all the numbers in that circle.’ She would say. I had replaced all of them with their digital variants but she had a problem with them as well. In the end, she decided to stop all of them at 8:48 PM.

Four weeks isn’t long, I know, but I was in love, and I had grown accustomed to her. She had embraced my life like a tattered blanket covers a child on a cold winter night. I still felt cold, but she was all I had. Her idiosyncrasies had become a part of my life, and any deviance from this new found version of sanity would annoy us both.

I was working on a little PowerPoint presentation that was due at office the very day, when I heard a splat in the kitchen.

Akansha had dropped an egg, and on seeing me, she ran straight to the bedroom.
When she came back fifteen minutes later, I was done with boiling an egg and making coffee for myself.

‘Go and get another egg. I’ll make you breakfast’

‘It’s okay, honey. I’m okay with just one egg’

‘No. You always have two eggs. Go rush. I can’t go out.’

‘I’ll have something on my way. I’m late for a meeting anyway’

‘GO GET ME ANOTHER EGG!’ Her demands knew no end.

‘Stop screaming at me, Akansha.’

‘Stop being intolerable, then.’

‘I’m not being intolerable. You’re the one being intolerable. ’

She started crying again, and I as I rushed in to comfort her, which had by then become almost a reflex to me, she pushed me aside.
Haplessly, I fell down and hit my elbow on the breakfast table.

She didn’t even grace me a look as I curled up into myself in pain. I didn’t know what stung more- my elbow, or her complete nonchalance.
I knew I couldn’t retaliate. She resonated between strength and weakness, and I couldn’t tell one from the other.

My phone had fallen out of my hand during the fall.
The lock screen read 8:05

‘Shit. I’m late. I have to go, Akansha. I’m sorry. I’ll get an egg when I come home’

I came back from work at five past eight but I had to wait outside because Akansha had locked the door. My knocking was futile, and so were my cries of apology. Finally, I used my spare key to open the door. I always kept a key, just in case.

The house was a mess. The curtains were pulled down, and my bookshelves were no longer shelves.

I had come home to a disaster before, but this unprecedented.
The kitchen clock read 8:48. Like always.

The door was locked from the inside, so there couldn’t have been a break in. My next natural instinct was to search for Akansha to ensure her well-being. A few frantic minutes later, I found her in the bathroom tub, covered to her neck in water, murky with her own blood.

‘And then?’ The officer stared at my face?

I took her out of the water, I mean, the blood, and I rushed her to this hospital. She was breathing, by the intensity was decreasing with every breath she took. I had covered her wrists in large swabs of cotton, and that had significantly reduced the bleeding, but she had lost a lot of blood already.

Upon reaching, the doctor had informed me that he would need blood. Since I wasn’t a match, we had to put her on a list.

‘What about her family? And yours?’

‘Her parents are dead. My parents are diabetic.’

‘Well, in that case, we’d need to wait for her to be approved by the committee, but till then, we have to carry out some procedures that I need your consent for.’

‘I don’t care. Just get her back to me. Please’

I signed, hapless. Helpless.

I couldn’t help but cry outside the ICU, checking every few seconds for that red emergency bulb to go off. I was ridden with penitence, but I did not want to feel morose because I blamed myself. I was afraid that I’d already lost her, and I had bid her farewell, but more so, I was afraid of being alone. She was a tattered blanket, but she was my tattered blanket, and I needed her.

As I stood there, I made a mental picture of the Intensive Care. I knew that I’d have to remember this place for a long time. It was one of those moments when a child has to part with his broken toy, only that he doesn’t want to believe it’s broken.

The next thirteen minutes seemed like an eternity, and I hadn’t had plenty of those.

The doctor came out, and broke the news to me. It wasn’t the one I had hoped for, but it was the one I had predicted.

‘I’m sorry, Mr. Banerjee, but there was just too much blood loss. The wounds are fresh, not even an hour old. The problem is that she slit both her wrists. Most patients just slit one. That drained her blood at twice the pace. I’m sorry, really. We tried our best.’

‘Yes’

‘Was she depressed or on any medicines? We need to know before we conduct the post-mortem. Also, we need to inform the police.’

‘She just liked even numbers’ I told him.

He had a confounded look on his face.

‘I don’t know what you mean, but I have a surgery and I need to go prep for it. The nurse will prepare the body and assist you further. I’m sorry for your loss. I assure you we tried our best.’

And just like that, he was gone.

And with that, came a realization. I had been cooperative all this while, thinking that she needed my support, while it had been me who needed her all this while.

A few seconds later, I was in the deserted corridor of the deserted hospital alone. Sadly, I had to get used to this kind of ‘independence’.

The nurse came in ten minutes later and explained the entire scheme of things to me, but it was all a hazy blur. I just kept nodding until she said something that left my spine chilled.

‘What did you just say?’ I said, as I felt the blood drain away from my face, and as numbness took over.

‘Time of death, sir – 8:48 PM’.

How To Be An Asshole

If there is one thing that is severely lacking in this world, it is assholes.The planet on which we live is teeming with selfless, generous do-gooders and it is, frankly, quite nauseating. In the spirit of fighting for the underdog, The Indie Guy, in conjunction with the Royal Society of Douchebags brings to you…

How to Be an Asshole: 101 Ways to Play Up Your Douchebaggery

1) When you are talking to people, tilt your chin up a bit so that you are looking down your nose at them.

2) Interject your opinion into every conversation, beginning with the statement: “Oh, really?”

3) Cock your eyebrow– just one– at people when they talk to you.

4) Offer unsolicited advice.

5) Give people the cold shoulder when they don’t follow your unsolicited advice.

6) Start rumors about people.

7) Feed others’ rumors about people.

8) When confronted by the victim of your rumors, laugh at them and say: “I have better things to do than talk about you…”

9) Then, go tell all your friends how you stood up to the victim.

10) When you get caught in a lie… deny, deny, deny!

11) Shift the blame.

12) When people get emotional, snicker.

13) Roll your eyes when people show their sensitive side.

14) Send phone calls to voice mail, then don’t check the message.

15) Hang up on people when they say things you don’t want to hear.

16) Don’t call your friends/family on their birthday.

17) Use someone else to “break the news.”

18) Answer your cell phone at church ( or Mandir or Masjid or whatever )

19) Answer your cell phone at the movies.

20) Answer your cell phone at dinner.

21) First thing in the morning, check your cell phone.

22) Last thing at night, check your cell phone.

23) Text during sex.

24) Tweet more than three times a day.

25) Update your Facebook status more than three times a day.

26) Blow up Facebook newsfeeds with updates, then refuse to answer the phone when your “friends” call you.

27) Start fights on Facebook.

28) Get into the fray on others’ Facebook face-offs.

29) Pick on the weak guy.

30) Kick someone when they are down.

31) Jump on the bandwagon.

32) Rock the boat.  Everywhere and with everything.

33) Call people names.

34) Say “I told you so” when you are right.

35) Reply to compliments with “I know, right?!”

36) Monopolize every conversation.

37) Threaten to sue everyone.

38) Actually sue everyone.

39) Bend the rules to suit your whims.

40) Act like you are God’s gift to the world.

41) When you loan someone money, charge them interest– especially if they are family members.

42) Don’t ever apologize.

43) Don’t compliment anyone, ever.

44) Pat yourself on the back repeatedly.

45) When your dog sh*ts in public, don’t pick it up.

46) When your dog is barking at 11:45 PM, don’t get him quiet.

47) Call the cops on your neighbors’ loud parties, even though you were invited but chose not to show up.

48) Turn off your lights before 6:00 PM on Halloween night.

49) Tell children that Santa doesn’t exist.

50) Boo at people when they sing karaoke.

51) Get pissing drunk and then start demeaning people.

52) Send nasty texts.

53) Don’t stop until someone is crying.

54) Complain about everything you eat at restaurants.

55) Complain about everything you eat at home.

56) Respond to break-ups with “Oh, it’s definitely you.”

57) Leave your trash cans on the curb for several days after trash day.

58) Park your car in front of your neighbor’s house because they have shade and you don’t.

59) Let your grass grow too long– or die– and don’t weed your front yard.

60) Bring up the past, then bring it up again.  Keep bringing it up until the memory becomes too fuzzy to validate.

61) Use religion as a weapon.

62) Use children as a weapon.

63) Refer to your friends as “fans, subjects, and followers.”

64) Don’t pay your debts.

65) Don’t pay for dinner.

66) Refuse responsibility at all times.

67) Take semi-clad photos of yourself, then post ‘em!

68) Ask for the input of others, then when they share, tell them their ideas are lame.

69) Refer to yourself in the third person.

70) Tell people that you’ll “pencil them in.”

71) Tell off-color jokes in mixed company.

72) Host a cheese and wine tasting party.

73) When you see kids misbehaving in public, loudly berate the parents, but not to their faces.

74) Make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

75) Make plans and don’t show up.

76) Change your mind.  All the time.

77) Pass off every time you let someone down with the phrase “I had good intentions.”

78) Make sexist comments.

79) Rest assured that you are always right; therefore, everyone else is wrong.

80) Convert others to your beliefs about everything.

81) Talk about yourself at every opportunity.

82) Adopt an irritating laugh.

83) When you are in a bad mood, do your best to ensure that everyone else’s day is ruined, too.

84) Make yourself a hero in every story.

85) Keep a little black book.

86) Point out the faults of others, especially if they are obvious.

87) Degrade others’ hard work, especially in the work place.

88) Do less than is expected of you.

89) Make a scene when you don’t get your way.

90) Join the WBC.

91) Whisper about people right in front of them.

92) Stare.

93) Point.

94) Don’t donate, don’t volunteer, don’t help out.

95) Incriminate others.

96) Make messes, but leave them for others to clean up.

97) Eat the last doughnut, drink the last coffee, use the last creamer.

98) Live by the phrase “Better you than me.”

99) Dictate the actions of anyone and everyone you can.

100) Answer the question “why” with the answer “because I said so.”

101) When someone says they trust you, immediately do your best to destroy that trust.

Most of us are guilty of doing several things on this list at least once in our lives, but that is not justifiable behavior for deeming yourself an Asshole.  In order to truly become an Asshole, it is important to make a majority of these behaviors and actions part of your personality.  Still feeling inadequate of the title?  Go kick a puppy or trip an old lady.  That will get you on the right track to being a public menace.

Who Should You Date?

Google about how to find perfect guys and you’ll find numerous articles on who to date and who not. But tragic enough, there would hardly be articles telling you what kind of girls you should date. Therefore, I take it upon myself as my responsibility to enlighten the world about what kind of girls, if they actually existed, would have been perfect for guys. The Perfect Woman. The mystery unknown. The ultimate piece of Godliness. Here they come :

  • Date a girl who’s well-read : Yes, guys, being well-read is important. Being well-read doesn’t mean having read all of Blyton’s books. Not even Bhagat’s. It means having a rich taste of good books. It assures you that the girl has a taste, a preference, that she won’t take shit. And that if she agrees to date you, it means you’re something. How’s that for confidence? This also assures she’d prefer a hi to a hieee every time you meet her.
  • Date a girl who’s funny : Almost eighty percent of the girls, when asked what is that one quality that they want in their dream man, says ‘sense of humor’ or ‘someone who can make me laugh’. While they easily pass on the difficult baton to us, since humor is, by no means, an ordinary talent; they forget to realize that even a man could desire some fun. Now don’t twist your heads, I’m not talking that kind of fun. In this multitude of sentimentality, it’s a rarity to find a ‘sense of humor’ in the fairer sex. However keep your eyes open. Some woman with the fragrance of Nitrous Oxide may pass by. That’s laughing gas, dumbass! ( Pardon my pathetic sense of humor! )
  • Date a girl who’s not so gorgeous : While most of us desire, or even fantasize dating the most gorgeous girl on the planet, let me tell you that almost 99% of them are very fussy. They make your life hell. Trust my experience. A not-so-gorgeous girl is perfect. She’ll listen to you, treat you like a teddy bear rather than a pet dog and you could even make your friends with gorgeous girls jealous by letting them know how teddy-bearish you feel like.
  • Date a girl who has an ambition : Now this may sound preachy but it definitely helps in the long run. The woman must have something other than you to keep herself engaged with. From being a painter to having a desire of writing meaningless, traffic-less blogs – anything flashy enough to keep her occupied, give you some breathing space and keep her happy without extra effort on your part.
  • Date a girl who likes you rather than admires you : Liking doesn’t need a reason. Admiration does. Admiration creates walls, makes you larger than life. Liking breaks walls, makes the liker likable. Admiration is for your qualities, liking is for you. I’m assuming you’re not a total loser. Pardon me if I erred. Did you like this piece of advice? The sharing buttons are right below!
  •  Once, for a few days, date a girl who’s rich and spoilt : This is guy’s side of the story. There’s no such thing as a free lunch for those who haven’t seen this part of the world. Make sure you date atleast one rich girl, with a big car and a Louis Vuitton purse, so that later you could atleast tell your grandson than you were nothing less than Superman when you were young. Tell your little-tittles about how you once dated a hot chick, who had a Bentley and who smoked pot, and dumped her when you got bored of her concern about the greenery in her purse rather than the redness of your cheeks. If you ain’t a celeb right now, follow my advice and you’d get a huge young fan following in your old age!
  • Date a girl who’s not too senti-menti : It’s a heartbreaking statement but yes, a hefty percentage of girls are sentimental cry-babies. If you’re a girl and you get offended by this, you clearly know what I mean. Such girls spend the majority of their time drooling over some random crush of theirs, who might already be committed; getting fascinated by some random celebrity so much that even dreams are haunted by them; getting all emotional about some random crap that some lunatic guy said about their weight or dressing sense and in the worst case, for not being able to share bitchy stories about their acquaintances to their friends. Date a girl who’s opposite to all those, who sheds tears only when she cuts onions and you cook!
  • Date a girl who’s got some talent : Talents are interesting. Encourage her to pursue them. Make sure that she never gives them up because of any reason whatsoever. Appreciate her. It’ll make her happy with herself and in turn, make you happy, because your nights would be awesome. And nothing is greater than happiness. Thank you. Now you can clap.

17 Things Computers Fail At

This is a guest post by an anonymous follower. Unwilling to reveal himself, it is his dig at humor with a techie tinge.

I think it’s time to take a fresh look into the future to see what technology might behold for us in the decades to come.

In this highly scientific analysis, I have taken 10 mins of GOOGLE SEARCH and a lifetime’s worth of human experience, applied advanced statistical methods to the problem, and identified 17 things your computer will never do:

1. Love

Think of all the wonder of love, the joys, the crazy acts of passion, of Romeo and Juliet. Yes, love, the high pedestal from which arises the source of betrayal, anger, divorce, and even murder.

Imagine the vengeance a jealous Blackberry might take if finds out your PC cheated on it by plugging into your new iPhone!

I can hear it all now. “And no protection, either, just think about the viruses you could have caught from that scanky thing with its disgusting Bluetooth and open ports! I heard it’s married, too, with a WiFi waiting at home. I bet you found it traipsing about in more bars and more places with nothing on but its 3G.”

No, that won’t do. No PC will ever have enough bandwidth to process that data stream.

2. Make Accidental Mistakes

When your friend / spouse / coworker makes a mistake and apologizes for it you are understanding, realizing that you, too, sometimes make mistakes (although far fewer than they do, of course). You recognize human fallibility. Let’s face it, we’re only human.

A computer, however, isn’t human and we expect it to be infallible. Anything less is a bug that needs fixing. The closest we get is by not being surpised that fallible humans introduced bugs into the system, possibly after get caught with an unauthorized “iPhone”, if you know what I mean.

3. Be Happy

What would a happy computer even look like?

Sure, we could program it mimick happiness. Remember Microsoft Clippy?

A happy computer is like a fake smile, transparent and annoying.

Now, if I could only get my brother to stop his Clippy imitation…

Image

 4. Get Angry

It’s a good thing our computers won’t get angry. Imagine the patience they would require to deal with us irrational and slow humans. Sure, we’re great at the whole pattern recognition thing but all those emotions and processing errors, wow. No, we won’t be programming anger in.

There is no need to worry about this problem as any reasonable “anger program”, once installed in a robot, would immediately kill it’s programmer, then itself out of a sudden and unanticipated ability to…

5. Be Frustrated

Unlimited patience comes in the form of the NOOP (with an N, not a P). NOOP is the microprocssor instruction for No Operation. That’s what a microprocessor does when it’s not doing anything else. Computers are perfectly content to NOOP forever, or actually, to do anything forever. Frankly, they just don’t…

6. Care

Maybe we’ll program them to fake an interest in what you think and how you feel. It’ll be just like a customer service representative after you get angry with them. You know how they say “Thank you for your business.” at the end of call. Yeah, that seems reasonable. We could do that.

But will computers actually care? Ever?

No chance, unless we’re going to design systems with mirror-neuron capability. No, computers, I’m afraid, are essentially psychopaths without an agenda.

A computer is a psychopath who doesn’t even care about himself.

7. “Get” You

Do you even get you? How about anyone else? No chance here.

Actually, computers might have a better shot at it than any human would.

8. Crash

I just wanted to see if you’re still paying attention.

9. Have Your Back No Matter What

Well, we could program a computer to agree with you all the time, that’s easy enough and easier than hiring sycophants or becoming a tyrant. It wouldn’t be very helpful, though.

“Computer, does the square root of 729 equal 23?”**

“Why, yes, Andy, that’s right. You’re always right, Dave. And so smart, too.”

If that’s what we want, we’ll have to build microprocessors with the fabled YESOP.

Image

10. Believe

Have you ever stopped to wonder why you believe in things? I mean anything at all? Why not simply observe what is and go with that?

Well, our human nature has evolved a belief system. And we believe all kinds of stuff that simply isn’t true.

Computers are happily fact-based in a nice binary, true/false kind of way. Any attempt to mess with that would immediately result in massive inter-operating system warfare between Windows and Linux/Unix.

Not to mention factional fighting between Macintosh, Ubuntu, and Red Hat factions with subversive attacks by various underground elements like WebOS, and ChromeOS.

Only a few ancient CP/M and DOS 1.0 systems might survive the onslaught since nobody can find floppy disks for them any more anyhow.

11. Forget Your Anniversary

They might not think to buy you flowers (unless you ask for them) but short of the computer equivalent of brain death (hard drive crash with no backup), computers are the proverbial elephant. They never forget.

On the plus side, there is always delete, unless you posted it online, that is 😉

12. Be Bored

NOOP = Okey, dokey.

13. Want a Pay Raise

Why would your computer need money? Besides, if it really wants some it can just use yours. You did click ‘Save Password’ in your online banking account, didn’t you?

15. Not Do What It’s Told

A computer without instructions runs NOOP’s all day long. If it lives at all, it lives to serve you. Who else can you say that about? Who’s your buddy now?

If it’s not doing what you want, blame its programmers because the computer just won’t care.

Then again, maybe the programmers won’t either since they’re probably off to…

14. Sip a Cold Beer on the Beach

Poor things (the computers, not the programmers).

Need I say more?

16. Rule the World

We’re a long way from anything like a Terminator or Matrix scenario being a reality.

And even if the computers evolve malicious intent, there’s always the power cord.

Yeah, it’s that simple.

 Image

17. Miss You When You’re Gone

Whether for the afternoon, a month, or when you die, your computer will just plug along as if you never existed.

Harsh, right?

That’s computers for you.

P.S. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Sign up for the newsletter, then leave a comment below.

P.P.S. Something else the computers won’t do is share this article. Do me a quick favor and click the sharing links below right now while you’re thinking of it. It really helps. Thanks.

P.P.P.S. The square root of 729 is 27, 23 is the square root of 529. It’s weird that you cared, don’t you think?

How To Get Smarter

Everyone wants intelligence. That’s why we all willingly go to school for our entire childhood and then spend the next two decades’ worth of income (that is, if you’re an engineer – if you study something like art or literature, you can expect to pay that shit off in HAHAHAHA years) on more education. But isn’t there an easier path to a bigger brain?

No, there isn’t, you idiot.

But here’s a ten-step guide to making yourself smarter anyway.

1. Read a book

A surefire way to superiority is to partake in the reading of a great novel. The older, the better. Just pick up your copy of Great Expectations and… Oh. Holy shit this is long. Good lord, what’s up with this word? “Architectooralooral?” Screw this, let’s start with something easier.

2. Read some poetry

This is short! You can make it through this! Okay, so… The poet is comparing the grass to his mistress’ eyelashes, right?  And the rolling hills are… Ooh, this is dirty. Perhaps we should try something else.

3. Learn to play an instrument

Studies show that children who take part in the fine arts score marginally higher on standardized tests. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the free brainpower! Just sit down at that piano and practice, practice, practice! Yeah, just go ahead and… Oh. Oh God. Okay, please stop. Damn it, see, now the dog is scratching up the front door.

4. Take up an internship

You’ll get some direct experience this way. Direct experience in slave labor, that is.

5. Work some math problems

There’s nothing quite as exciting as buckling down with some intense number play. It really stimulates the left hemisphere of your brain. Just grab your calculator and –

math

What the hell, what happened to the numbers? I thought this was math!

6. Do a crossword puzzle

This is a surefire way to test your vocabulary and build upon it. Ah, here’s a good one. Let’s see, the first clue is, “Name of stick used in Zimbabwe as a toiletry.” Okay, that’s a little tough, but we can come back to it once we fill in some letters. Next clue. “Location of the first kitten space program.” Never mind.

7. Watch a stimulating movie

The horror. The horror.

8. Sudoku?

Because the math and crosswords both worked so well on their own.

9. Eat paint

Believe it or not, this will work! It’s caused by the Dunning-Kruger effect. If you make yourself dumber, you’ll feel smarter. Once you feel significantly brainy, start your own talk show on Fox News. And don’t worry about consuming too much paint. If you die, you’ll gain infinite enlightenment in the afterlife. It’s foolproof.

10. Read How-To blogs

At the end of the day, all you really need is some schmuck who may or may not have any sort of credibility teaching you how to do things instead of figuring it out on your own.

10 Blog Posts Every Blogger Has To Write

I have been reading WordPress blogs for months now, and I have noticed that certain types of blog posts are more common than others. So I thought I’d aggregate these most common blog posts into just one short post for your enjoyment. Alternatively, you can use this post as your blogging guide which will save your valuable time by providing you with the pre-written template blog posts that you can simply copy and paste into your blog.

 I was planning to write a separate post about 10 most common blog photos, but this woman is in 9 out of 10 of them.

I was planning to write a separate post about 10 most common blog photos, but this woman is in 9 out of 10 of them.

1) Hello, World!  This blog will be a platform for my thoughts about me, myself, my thoughts about myself, and occasionally about _____, _____, what I think about this, and Megan Fox. I will write as often as I can, since I usually think daily about different things, I think. See, I’ve just thought again! I better start posting stuff right now!

2) The Day Of Outrage:  I don’t normally get outraged about things, but ______ was outrageous! Did you see how outrageous that was! You didn’t? This is so outrageous that you haven’t seen it yet! You gotta check out just how outrageous this was! See! Told you! Wasn’t it outrageous? Please share your outrage in the comments section, because I’ll be outraged if you don’t!

3) The Away Message:  I apologize, my dear readers, for leaving you without your daily fix of information about me, and temporarily abandoning my blog for almost three hours. I am really sorry that you had to put your life on hold because you did not know what’s going on with my life. But I was busy with things. It’s not like I don’t have a life, you know? Haha. Honestly, I promise to write three times a day from now on. It’s not like I really have a life, you know? Haha.

4) Search Terms Of Endearment:  I have to share the good news with you! I am on Google now! Yes, you can enter something in Google and it will find my blog! Isn’t it cool? And apparently, people enter completely random things and still find my blog! Check out this hilarious search term: ______. Isn’t it hilarious? And what about this: _________? Even more hilarious, right? And this: ___________. What’s up with that?? Hilarious. But you know, seriously, even though all these result are hilarious and all, but the search for “most totally amazing blog ever” doesn’t lead to my blog for some reason. I’m gonna have to call Google because I think there is a problem with their search.

5) The Freshly Pressed Hangover (posted the morning after). Thank you everyone for such thoughtful comments! I have never seen so many thoughtful comments saying “Congrats on being Freshly Pressed” ever! It is so great to be Freshly Pressed! It’s like a total vindication of my life’s work! My blog got so many page views that my computer totally crashed! Well, I was actually jumping for joy, and my foot tripped over the wire and my computer actually crashed! But now that I am a famous blogger, I have bought a bigger and better computer to write bigger and better posts!

6) The Guest Post: This amazing post is brought to you by the amazing blogger named ______ . He/she won’t be writing about me today, which is sad, but I get a day off from my blog, which is good. Please check out his/her work, he/she’s almost as amazing as me. But please read all my amazing posts first! You don’t actually have to read them if you don’t have time, but please click on them at least! Then come back tomorrow and read them! Or just “like’” them.

7) Gems From The Junk Filter:  Check this out! I just found out that WordPress is blocking some of the comments on my blog! These people have been leaving the nicest comments like “this is an excellently wrote post”, or “I have learning so much from this site”, or “your qualification is for among the best blogs of the internet”. Why does WordPress block these comments??? Who are they, grammar Nazis or something???

8) The Traffic Report:  Check out this picture. This is my page views stats. This looks just like Manhattan skyline, doesn’t it? I removed the numbers so you don’t get jealous. At least I hoped you would get jealous but I wasn’t really sure you would, so I deleted the numbers just in case. And then here is the next month, and it now looks more like New Jersey skyline. And look, here is this month, and it looks just like Nebraska. At least I think it looks like Nebraska, because I flew over it once and from up there Nebraska looked completely flat and sad, just like my recent traffic. Where is my traffic? Why isn’t anyone reading my blog??? I hate Nebraska!!!

9) My Amazing Cat:  My cat is totally amazing. It is so warm and fuzzy and smart. I wish my cat could write a post for my blog. I just know this post would have been so warm and fuzzy and smart that it’s gonna get Freshly Pressed instantly and I would get traffic again. I need traffic! Where is my traffic! Damn you cat! Write the post now!!! And make it warm and fuzzy and smart, damn it!!!

10) The Trends I Am Seeing:  I have been reading blogs for months now, and I have noticed that some types of blog posts are more common than others, so I thought I would aggregate them for your enjoyment and make fun of all of them at once. And when you’re out of ideas for your next blog post, this might just be your save!

Ah! Now I’m completely out of ideas!

Your Blog Sucks!

You’ve been blogging daily, brainstorming over varied topics, excited every time an email alert comes in, only to be disappointed that its your mother telling you how much she likes your blog and how happy she is that you’re blogging instead of playing video games.

Every time you log into your account, optimistic at being flooded with Likes and Followers, a monotonous blue dialogue box greets you, smiling at having to offer nothing. “Why isn’t it working?”, you think. “I’ve been posting daily for a week now, but why am I going unnoticed?”. You advertise your blog on Facebook but no one really cares to click your link. You are bored of this unfruitful ritual of writing when voila! The Indie Guy appears! 

So now lets go through your problem again. Why is Your blog not working?

The secret to any successful blog lies in its Titles. Come on let’s face it, when people search your blog on the WordPress Reader, the only thing that becomes the deciding factor as to how well the article’s written are the post titles. Do a great post with a platonic title and no one bothers to look up. Write rubbish with a twisted title and be surprised at being featured on Freshly Pressed!  Make sure the titles are crisp, short and intriguing enough to generate interest among the readers to click your link.

Next comes content. You could argue that you’re already writing regularly but believe me, that’s not going to be enough. Creating content is one thing, and writing quality content is quite another. Make sure not to compromise with the quality of your post. And establish that you proofread the article at least once before publishing. No one wants to read an article full of typos and misplaced punctuation. If you want your readers to come back to your blog again, this is a point of vital importance.

Use WordPress widgets to let people subscribe to you. It helps in a way that they are notified every time you update something on your blog. Ask your friends to review your blog for you.

Are you copying content from some other blog without giving out backlinks? Well, stop doing that. Either Re-Blog the post with suitable backlinks or brainstorm something original. Anyway, how hard is it to come up with something on your own?

Do you have a media player on your blog that plays your all-time favorites? Do you post videos on your blog? Get rid of ’em. These are unwanted distractions that are shoo-ing your audience away. Seriously dude, there is a YouTube if you don’t know. No one is coming to your blog to watch a video!

How often are you blogging? Anything less than thrice a week and you can set fire to your hopes of being the Next Internet Sensation. People won’t come back to you if you blog sporadically. Either be serious about it or make peace with the fact that blogging isn’t your cup of tea. 

But again, can it be that your blog is seriously boring? Are you posting content of value or are you just rambling? Blogging is not easy and it is definitely not for everybody. And if it’s not working for you, maybe its just not your calling. Quoting Einstein, “If you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid!”