A Letter To Nobody

Day 11

So, I’m quite certain that I shouldn’t send this email because you’ll probably think that I’m a crazy person and kick me to the curb, but oh well. I’m bored and can’t sleep due to waking up about an hour ago thanks to a lovely dream wherein you made yet another appearance in the theatre of my mind.

I am not the type who places any stock in dreams, or thinks that they have any deep meaning. More likely it’s just my brain struggling to make sense of all the random shit that I conjure up during the day in this boiling cauldron that is my subconscious.

This dream however, was interesting, in the sense that I don’t recall having any thought about this certain subject in relation to you, at least not in a very long time. Its been more like I’ve just assumed the combo of our rapidly advancing ages, your aspirations, and our apparent contentment with being alone would make this an impossibility, so I haven’t even bothered to contemplate it. Yet, there you were, carrying my baby.

The first flash of you in such a state was of some intimate moment between the two of us, each laying on our sides, facing each other in a bed I didn’t recognize. We were naked, but it wasn’t a sexual thing. More so it was the comfortable nakedness that only two longtime lovers could share. We were laying there, simply talking, as our heads rested on our respective pillows. For some reason it was hard to take our eyes off of each other as we talked, maybe there was just no other place worth looking in our minimalistic themed bedroom? Or perhaps our respective faces were the best possible thing we could each imagine getting to drink in to start the day? I know for me, yours has always been better than a cup of coffee. Although, for you….I know you’d definitely choose your Morning Joe over my mug every single time. Nonetheless, drink we did.

The Saturday morning light sliced through a crack in our bedroom curtains and lit up your smile even more so than usual. Now, I don’t remember what inane topic we were babbling on about, but what is important is that as you smiled, I laughed, and while doing so I reached my left hand out and placed it on your side, resting on that smooth curve just below your ribs that leads ever so gracefully towards your hips. My fingers gently traced their way down your silky skin, and it was suddenly quiet, save for the chirping of some random bird in our backyard. You still looked into my eyes, you still smiled, but your topic of conversation had faded away into irrelevance, you placed your right hand on mine and gently moved it down towards your swollen navel.

“Feel her?” You said, “She’s kicking again, this one is gonna be fiesty.”
“So, just like her mom then?” I replied, with a smirk.
You nodded…

And then I awoke.

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Who Should You Date?

Google about how to find perfect guys and you’ll find numerous articles on who to date and who not. But tragic enough, there would hardly be articles telling you what kind of girls you should date. Therefore, I take it upon myself as my responsibility to enlighten the world about what kind of girls, if they actually existed, would have been perfect for guys. The Perfect Woman. The mystery unknown. The ultimate piece of Godliness. Here they come :

  • Date a girl who’s well-read : Yes, guys, being well-read is important. Being well-read doesn’t mean having read all of Blyton’s books. Not even Bhagat’s. It means having a rich taste of good books. It assures you that the girl has a taste, a preference, that she won’t take shit. And that if she agrees to date you, it means you’re something. How’s that for confidence? This also assures she’d prefer a hi to a hieee every time you meet her.
  • Date a girl who’s funny : Almost eighty percent of the girls, when asked what is that one quality that they want in their dream man, says ‘sense of humor’ or ‘someone who can make me laugh’. While they easily pass on the difficult baton to us, since humor is, by no means, an ordinary talent; they forget to realize that even a man could desire some fun. Now don’t twist your heads, I’m not talking that kind of fun. In this multitude of sentimentality, it’s a rarity to find a ‘sense of humor’ in the fairer sex. However keep your eyes open. Some woman with the fragrance of Nitrous Oxide may pass by. That’s laughing gas, dumbass! ( Pardon my pathetic sense of humor! )
  • Date a girl who’s not so gorgeous : While most of us desire, or even fantasize dating the most gorgeous girl on the planet, let me tell you that almost 99% of them are very fussy. They make your life hell. Trust my experience. A not-so-gorgeous girl is perfect. She’ll listen to you, treat you like a teddy bear rather than a pet dog and you could even make your friends with gorgeous girls jealous by letting them know how teddy-bearish you feel like.
  • Date a girl who has an ambition : Now this may sound preachy but it definitely helps in the long run. The woman must have something other than you to keep herself engaged with. From being a painter to having a desire of writing meaningless, traffic-less blogs – anything flashy enough to keep her occupied, give you some breathing space and keep her happy without extra effort on your part.
  • Date a girl who likes you rather than admires you : Liking doesn’t need a reason. Admiration does. Admiration creates walls, makes you larger than life. Liking breaks walls, makes the liker likable. Admiration is for your qualities, liking is for you. I’m assuming you’re not a total loser. Pardon me if I erred. Did you like this piece of advice? The sharing buttons are right below!
  •  Once, for a few days, date a girl who’s rich and spoilt : This is guy’s side of the story. There’s no such thing as a free lunch for those who haven’t seen this part of the world. Make sure you date atleast one rich girl, with a big car and a Louis Vuitton purse, so that later you could atleast tell your grandson than you were nothing less than Superman when you were young. Tell your little-tittles about how you once dated a hot chick, who had a Bentley and who smoked pot, and dumped her when you got bored of her concern about the greenery in her purse rather than the redness of your cheeks. If you ain’t a celeb right now, follow my advice and you’d get a huge young fan following in your old age!
  • Date a girl who’s not too senti-menti : It’s a heartbreaking statement but yes, a hefty percentage of girls are sentimental cry-babies. If you’re a girl and you get offended by this, you clearly know what I mean. Such girls spend the majority of their time drooling over some random crush of theirs, who might already be committed; getting fascinated by some random celebrity so much that even dreams are haunted by them; getting all emotional about some random crap that some lunatic guy said about their weight or dressing sense and in the worst case, for not being able to share bitchy stories about their acquaintances to their friends. Date a girl who’s opposite to all those, who sheds tears only when she cuts onions and you cook!
  • Date a girl who’s got some talent : Talents are interesting. Encourage her to pursue them. Make sure that she never gives them up because of any reason whatsoever. Appreciate her. It’ll make her happy with herself and in turn, make you happy, because your nights would be awesome. And nothing is greater than happiness. Thank you. Now you can clap.