Final Exams : Because No One Deserves To Be Happy

Day 6
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This picture has been shared around a lot on Facebook. But from what I saw over the last week, I’ve realized that this is a gross misconception. The actual last five minutes (or the last thirty, in my case) were spent thusly:

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I even tried asking one of the invigilators what was causing my fellow classmates to make such obvious physical effort in filling out the answers, while I was counting the number of fans on the ceiling. Perhaps there was some kind of a secret puzzle that had to be cracked in order to reveal another question or something. On the first day, I even tried putting all the letters of each line together to see if that would lead me somewhere, only to get “EDSHUI SSATPP MPPW”. How intriguing. It actually didn’t sound a whole lot different than the actual question they had asked, like “What is GQMWP?”

I finally decided that the most effective way to spend all my free time would be to take a quick nap. You’d understand my astonishment when everyone came out of the examination hall and told me that there was no time to finish writing everything they wanted to.

The way I see it, there are two possible explanations here. Either I’m selectively blind to some kind of invisible ink that they use to print the back of the question paper, or I’m just plain dumb. I’m not too sure about the invisible ink.

Anyway, that was a week ago, and then we went on to watch this random B-graded Hindi movie. After a week of not sleeping, you don’t usually care much for such things as quality when you select a movie. Plus, after this ordeal, my mind wanted something titillating.
But unfortunately for me, the one we went to watch got me worked up all the more. Rather than having actresses dance in the rain amidst a jungle, or censored impromptu sex scenes peppered adequately with flashes of cleavage, this one had some strong advice for the audience, delivered in typical Tamil-movie-style ; advice that no fresh-out-of-the-exam-hall college student wants to hear. Advice on the importance of education and studying hard.

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Prepare for Finals The Indie Guy Way!

Want to really study for finals but struggling to part ways with your computer? Want to make your parents proud but finding it impossible to stop daydreaming about your special one? Well, here are a few pointers that’ll get you started. Well, just one advice – Never Be Here Before Exams!

  • Forget it, don’t study ( just kidding ) 
  • Make peace with the fact that you’ll really have to study and there is no way around. Mediate on it. Something like this takes serious contemplation for comprehension.
  • Reflect on how amazing the words “contemplation” and “comprehension” are when used in succession.
  • Gather all materials you’ll need to study. This includes but is not limited to: textbooks, workbooks, novels, dictionaries, perhaps a Bible, all past notes, quizzes, tests, projects, essays, reports, handouts, reading guides, cross references – basically everything in your locker, everything in your backpack, and everything except for that one piece of paper with the single piece of information that will inevitably compose 75% of your exam but you just don’t know it yet.
  • Situate yourself in a quiet place that’s free of distractions.
  • Open your textbook.
  • Turn off the TV and all the distractions that inexplicably appeared in the room you’ve chosen.
  • Flip to the first chapter you covered in the semester.
  • Turn the TV back on – it’s Dancing with the Stars night and you never miss this.
  • Read the first page of indicated chapter.
  • Reread that page because let’s face it. You weren’t paying attention to a single word.
  • Busy yourself by highlighting the entire page. This is definitely the important part.
  • Take a well-deserved break and raid your pantry, cupboard, and refrigerator. Come back in half an hour.
  • Tell yourself that you really have to study now.
  • Turn off the TV once a commercial comes on so you aren’t tempted.
  • Read over your first page of notes. Underline the words that look important. Open your textbook again.
  • Stare at the page for a little bit. This will transfer the information waves from the surface of the book directly to your brain, obviously. :P
  • Experiment with various positions on the couch. Decide on the one that is definitely the least comfortable.
  • Wiggle around in that position until you’ve been studying for thirty minutes and learned absolutely nothing. Open your notebook again.
  • Discover what an incredible talent you suddenly have for art, and express your creativity all over that page.
  • Erase, erase, erase before someone glances at your notes and realizes you’ve been screwing around.
  • Now open and read the second chapter.
  • Stop after reading a page. Acknowledge that you understood nothing, again. Face the fact that while you were busy not studying, the test has come upon you’re a lot faster than you realized. In fact, it’s tomorrow.
  • Reread the first chapter for the four hundredth time, because that’s as far as you get every night and some things just don’t change.
  • Scan your notes for anything that looks easy to remember.
  • Text six people and post three Facebook statuses about how much studying stresses you out.
  • Read the next chapter all while thinking, “how much of this could he possibly put on the test?”
  • Absorb the font, degree of boldness and Italicism, and quality of photographs.
  • Highlight the words with the most letters.
  • Eat dinner. Eat dessert. Shower. Wash your hair. Rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat. Brush your teeth really well. Make your bed and unmake it. Clean your room for the first time in six months. Discover new items and tinker with them.
  • Take a twenty minute power nap until your mom enters your pitch black room and suspects the worst. Become defensive when a parent asks why you’re not studying. Remind them that you’ve been going at this for four hours. Assure them that yes, you really have been learning and you’ve gotten everything under control.
  • Close the door behind said parent as he/she leaves.
  • Proceed to panic. Stare the living mess out of that second chapter.
  • Relieve your headache by turning on the TV and breaking open a bag of chips. Your textbook is still open, so it’s okay.
  • Become fed up with the system, everything on TV and everything you’re supposed to be studying.
  • Decide that you need a change of scenery. Surround yourself with books on your bedroom floor.
  • Snatch up your cat/dog/bunny/fish and develop a new found fascination with your pet. Establish a relationship. Come up with new nicknames. Search for fleas.
  • Abandon said pet once it’s three AM and all hope is officially lost.
  • Take a step back. Admit defeat. Accept that your fate is failure.
  • Cry yourself to sleep.

Here’s my jibe at preparing for the finals. And I cant wait to hear yours! Share what you’d like to add to the list by commenting below. And well if you liked what I wrote, don’t just sit in front of the computer smiling, but share it on your social media. After all, sharing is caring!