Recently, I’ve been meaning to write many many things, but every time I try, things don’t come out right. I’ve been trying to stay patient, thinking ‘somethings going to happen, it’s bound to!’ (also said the man with erectile dysfunction. SNAP), but nothing did happen. All I ended up with was a chunk of meaningless Paulo Coelhoesque dribble.
So finally, I decided to just fuck it and write about what I’m doing. Can’t really hurt can it? And the fact that I’m perpetually doing something also supplies sufficient material. So here goes, the unedited continuous nonsense centering around my current activities:
The plane hurtled through the air, but on account of its almost excruciating tininess, it was more like a little capsule hurtling through the long intestine that is the stratosphere. It was one of the smaller planes, without all that ‘jet engine’ metrosexual poofy nonsense that’s all the rage these days. Instead, it had little black exposed rotors that suspiciously kept the plane in the air.
Anirban Chakraborty sat on the window seat at the rear of the plane looking through the window and half expecting the wings to flap.
It was a plain plane at best, without any class distinction as such-everybody got the same kind of seat. They still however wrote ‘economy’ on your ticket so you would know your place in the aero kingdom.
Anirban yawned and stretched as they cut through the sky elegantly, appearing to be motionless against blue pastel background, but actually moving because planes usually have to go somewhere. I’m guessing.
‘This is a no smoking flight’ said the hurried, heavily accented voice of an air hostess over the communication system.
They all are, thought Anirban. They all are. He played with the ashtray that was in his seat from days when that announcement did not have to be made. A happier time.
‘..Smoking in the toilets is also forbidden’
Well they’re part of the fucking flight aren’t they? Thought Anirban. He returned his attention to the corpus of the ashtray. Yes. He gingerly pulled it out of the the seat- it opened slowly. There was no ash inside. Just emptiness. Half expecting a burnished interior but finding-
‘Smoke detectors are installed in the bathroom-’
FUCKING REALLY? WE GET IT said Anirban. Perhaps out loud. Judging by the looks of the passengers around and the man sitting next to him slowly edging away, it was probably out loud. Or maybe he’d just grimaced. Or maybe they had traced the source of erstwhile occurring flatulence. It could have been anything.
An air hostess stopped in the aisle by the row he was sitting in.
‘What would you like sir?’ she asked in a softly lilting voice. She smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes that no prosaic language can express. Well truthfully, he wasn’t sure, but she was wearing what is best described as an upside down blue tin on her head. Such things can only bring sadness.
‘Sir?’ she asked again and she continued to smile. She was well proportioned; quite buxom. A fine ribs-to-funbags ratio. She looked at Anirban, her smile fixed. He felt a rush of feeling toward her. Most of that feeling was concentrated in a particular region, but at the same time he felt a hint of disgust. A hint of disgust that had no place being, yet was.
And suddenly- there was silence. He pondered his ambivalence, mulling it over in his mind, oblivious to the silence, the hum of the engine, the vibration of the plane-
‘Sir can you stop typing?’ she said finally to Anirban, who turned and flashed her a charming smile while continuing to type with one hand. A feat he could accomplish, because he was fucking awesome.
‘Yes m’lady’ he replied handsomely. This is also possible to do.
She tittered at being addressed in such a fashion. She was, after all a waitress in the sky and he, a liberal serving of man candy.
‘What would that be?’ she asked Anirban, who hadn’t replied yet because it takes much longer to type with one hand.
‘A whiskey’ breathed Anirban, dangerously.
‘Sir, we do not serve alcohol on domestic flights’ she said. Her mouth was probably wry, but this fact lay unverified on account of the aforementioned ribs-to-funbag ratio, coupled with the fact that Anirban had only two eyes.
‘Ah’ said Anirban, leaning back in his seat, stroking his chin with his free hand.
‘This is a domestic flight?’ he asked.
‘I see’ said Anirban. This complicated matters slightly.
‘And where does this flight go?’
‘New Delhi, sir’ said air hostess funbags.
‘Dash it all!’ exclaimed Anirban for no particular reason, striking the tray of the person to his left, as his tray was occupied by his laptop, and no one hits the Macbook.
‘FUCK!’ screamed the man next to Anirban, whose groin had been splashed with hot coffee caused by table-banging. (The boring kind of table banging. It is also useful to note that there is no interesting kind EDIT: OMG yes there is.)
The air hostess was quick to begin to mop the spill. And leant over the man, undoing her scarf-
‘Sir, could you stop doing that?’ she said to Anirban, who was now loudly humming 70s porno music, while winking at her.
People are ungrateful, thought Anirban and resumed typing with both hands.
The flight landed in Delhi and Anirban sat in the airport terminal, having a few hours to kill before his next flight to Bangalore.
Now Anirban sat at the airport, with an hour more to kill. He proceeded to the smoking lounge, doing his best to look business-like. He struck up a conversation with a middle aged man, who was looking into Anirban’s laptop screen and was OVERWEIGHT and beginning to lose his hair and possibly the function of his genitals–
“Hello” said the man, smiling benignly.
“Top o’ the mornin’! ” replied Anirban cheerfully.
“I’m [not paying attention and even if I was, I’d have forgotten by now] ” said the man. “Saurabh, actually” said the man, who Anirban had forgotten was still looking into his laptop screen the motherfu-
“I’m a business man” replied Anirban stiffly, brushing off the shoulders of his Spongebob T-shirt.
“Of course you are” said fucking douchebag who was wouldn’t stop looking into Anirban’s screen.
“Lets cut to the chase shall we? Who are you?” said Anirban, in an business-like fashion.
“I just told you I’m [still not paying attention]”
“So you are” said Anirban. “Listen, what do you want? I’m kind of in the middle of something right now”
“Uh. You started a conversation with me, and then pretended like I started it. I can’t help but notice that that fact is not reflected in whatever you’re writing” said the pretentious douchebag who continued to eyeball fuck Anirban’s screen because of his general ineptitude and lack of understanding of PERSONAL SPACE.
“I try to be as accurate as possible” snapped Anirban.
“Can I ask you why exactly you’re doing what you’re doing?” asked the man, who we may now note had stopped looking into Anirban’s laptop screen. Bitch.
“I have writers block” said Anirban woefully. “This is a desperate attempt to overcome it”
“Ah. So you’re a writer!” said the man.
“Very much sir. Very much” said Anirban, moving a little closer to the man.
“So you write, books, screenplays, articles, what?” said the man.
“I..er. I have a blog.” said Anirban.
“Oh” said the man. “thats..uhm..”
“I’m a student!” cut in Anirban, quickly.
“So you’re studying writing then? Or just some general English litt. course?”
“Umm. Kinda. Well, in the sense that it’s less writing and more engineering”
“So you’re an engineer” said the man, with a trace of disappointment in his voice.
“Engineering student” replied Anirban, feeling continuously worse as this conversation proceeded.
“Don’t feel bad about it” said the man, who it appears had begun to look into Anirban’s laptop screen again, the nosy little bitc-
“I’ve stopped looking” said the man quickly, causing Anirban to stop gritting his teeth ferociously.
“Think about it bro” said the man, who for some reason felt that he had reached bro status. “Writers get writers block, musicians the same, creative fields are dominated by words to express a lack of creativity, but really they’re just general slumps. And slumps happen in every field. Even engineering” he said, with unnecessary drama.
“Achieve to be the highest you can be, and persevere through the slumps, that’s just life. Be all you can be, reach the highest possible platform, the zenith, rise up to the sun-”
“SUN BLOCK!” said Anirban. “Sorry. Necessary joke, but too easy. Carry on”
“I’m going to leave” said the man.
But Anirban beat him to it. He may have failed to push the man down the stairs. At that might also have been a completely different man. He may also have spent the next hour hiding in a coffee shop till they called for his flight’s boarding. Prove it.
As he boarded his next flight, he realized that weird nosy laptop screen staring man had an extremely valid point. Maybe writer’s block was like sun block. It shielded the skin from writing and prevented rashes and tanning.
That’s what life is really about.
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