Your Insane Guide To Picking Up Women

Hey you.
Yes, you.
You in the shirt, with the thing, and the tears. Life not going so well? Do you suffer from poor self esteem? Can’t seem to catch a break with the ladies? Do women cringe at your presence and scream and run at the sound of your name? Has repeated experience made you now enjoy the occasional pepper spray in the eyes?
 
Well congratulations, champion. This is the guide you’ve been looking for. For years I have leveraged my social numbness and unbeatable prettiness to zooma zoom zoom zoom in many boom booms. However, this evening as I lounge in my armchair, wrapped in my  official spongebob smoking jacket, I realise that this knowledge would mean so much more if it was shared with the unsexed masses. That’s you.
 
So enough idle chat, lay down your tissues and stop sputtering. I will make a man out of you yet. Okay, poor choice of words, please put your pants back on. Damn! Has it been that long?
What? Okay then let’s get to it quickly.
 
Let me first paint you a scene, that I’m sure you’ve seen altogether too often. You’re standing in a public gathering and your see this exquisite woman out of the corner of your eye. So sheer was her beauty, that you can never see out of that corner of your eye again, which was worth it in retrospect, because that’s a stupid way to look at people. This insurmountable distance that separates her from your side becomes increasingly unbearable, but you are at a loss for what to do. 
Your intentions are correct but you are in want of a methodology besides your usual ‘jump and wave’. Here’s where you remember me and follow the steps :
Open: Look at your target. She’s not standing alone is she? No, of course not – she has friends. (Note to you: get some friends)  She’s standing with a group of her peers, each of these men and women being an obstacle to your success. To get to her, you must first approach them and initiate a conversation with the entire group.
 
What’s vital here, is as you approach the group, you must betray absolutely no eagerness to speak to them whatsoever. I outline some ways to do this below:
 
Heyyyy! You guys:
Go and say hello in the most warm way possible to one member of the group. This can be with a hug, peck on the cheek, borderline dry-humping and so on. But as the recently dry humped individual meditates a response to your gyrations, you instantly begin talking to the rest of the group. They will automatically think that you were friends with the confused dry-humpee.
 
And you can lead from there.
 
Do you have the time?:
This is a tad complicated so I’ll explain using a conversation.
You (talking to  stranger in group, pointing at watch): Hey, do you have the time? 
Stranger in group: “Yeah, it’s ten -“
You(Cutting them off): “It’s a yes or no question, buddy.”
Stranger: “What? I’m trying to tell you the ti-“
You: “You do have the time! Why did you take it? Who gave it to you? Was it Rahul? Damn that Rahul!”
Stranger: “Wha- I-“
You: “I need it for THE PORTAL YOU FOOL!”
Stranger (possibly backing away, with group): – –
You(speaking louder, so the retreating group can hear you):  “you will NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER TODAY-“
 
And you can lead from there.
Noooo duuuuudde!:
Works best when your target group of choice is on a balcony or some place with open windows. Get a friend to go the window nearest the group and jump off. Make sure he screams quite loudly because the groups attention to the jumping here is paramount. As the group turns and notices that someone has vaulted off the premises, run the the window screaming
“Noooooo! Rahul! Whyyyyyy?”
This will garner feelings of sympathy towards  you from all present.
Continue, now while sobbing “..I didn’t even care that you gave that guy the time..” (This is important to really seal the authenticity of the situation in all present.)
Now you are free to approach the group.
 
You: Hey guys, did you see that? Funny story. Oh, you will never guess what happened earlier today-
And lead from there. 
 
Attract: Now that you’ve got their attention, you must demonstrate that you are a man of value. A man of skill and talent and prowess, a man that can melt the hearts of women because he has so much to offer to the world. A man that has qualities and abilities that are desirable. To do this, you may use the following:
 
Palm reading: 
Softly, but firmly, grab the hand of your target and thrust it palm-upwards in front of your face. Cluck your tongue and shake your head.
You: “oh no…no…no.. Jesus”
Woman: “What? what is it?”
You: “Look, this is the grope line.”
Woman: “where?”
You: “Look! it’s right here”
Woman(Looking closer): “Where?”
You(quickly pulling her palm and placing it one your chest. Pref. atop a nipple):”How DARE you?”
Woman:”What? I-“
You:”Just because I’m talking to you, and I’m being nice to you, you think it’s an invitation to grope me?”
Woman: “You pulled -“
You (burst into tears and run away)
This demonstrates personal integrity. She will now value your character and not think you’re a slut.
Cold Reading and psychological tricks:
Look deep into the eyes of your target and determine that you have the ability to tell when she last had a cold. She will be skeptical, this is understandable. Tell her you are adept at ‘cold reading’ while raising your eyebrows several times. At this point she will probably challenge you to ask her when she last had a cold. Improvise.
Seduce: By now you would have successfully penetrated the society of your target as well as attracted her to you. Why yes, you do deserve a high five. High five! Okay now stop jumping. You’re embarrassing yourself. You find yourself now at the last and most interesting step of your journey into pants. Seduction.
 
There are many methods to seduce women, and honestly you should figure this part out on your own. But I’ll give you a quick sample.
You: “Well…”
Woman: “Yes?”
You: “Sex.”
That one’s a classic.
Field Report:
Went out yesterday wearing, large U-shaped magnet around my neck and pants with zippers along the sides of the legs and my “I like girls, that like girls, that are free from existential crises” t-shirt. Spotted a fiery brunette with cheekbones like a babies elbows and a tight black dress drawn taut around her tall frame. Basically, she was pretty hot. I told my wing man (N. diddy, who was incidentally wearing Khaki pants, like an asshole) 
that we might go for the ‘nooooo dude!’ so he should be ready to leap off the balcony. Then I told him he would probably die in Khakis. Who wears Khakis at night? Asshole.

I sidled up to a group and hugged a short guy wearing glasses. (PROTIP: Short guys wearing glasses usually need love and they will respond to hugging positively. Just be sure to break away quickly otherwise things get weird.) I smiled at him and turned to the rest of the group, which was the target and another girl with emo hair.
 
“Heyyy, you guys!” I said. The short guy with glasses rubbed his cheeks and smiled.
“Hi”, said the girls and resumed their conversation.
 
Women will often disguise interest with a complete lack of interest. Do not be fooled.
 
I needed to get between them so I could be better placed strategically. I moved into position doing the running man and staring in the eyes of emo girl. That’s because I guessed that her hairstyle would have resulted in poor depth perception, allowing me to get closer to her without her realising how close.
 
I was wrong, but that didn’t matter. 
 
“I know how to cold read!” I yelled at the target over loud music.
“What?” she yelled, backing away.
“I know how TO COLD READ” I yelled at her again.
“WHAT?”
“I can tell when you last have a cold!”
“WHAT?”
“I CAN TELL WHEN YOU LAST-“
“You know that I can hear you? I’m saying ‘what’ because you’re not making any sense!”
“WHAT? Ohh. I can tell when you last had a cold!”
“Wha-ok. Fine. When was that?”
“It was last week.  ..? “
“No it wasn’t”
“That’s right, I was testing you!”
“Were you?”
“Damn straight”
“Uhuh..”
“Well…”
“Yes?”
“Sex.”
 
Being the gentlemen that I am, I cannot tell you how the rest of the night went.
 
Leave plenty of comments my pretties. It has been quite a while, and yes, I have done all of these things.

How To Be An Asshole

If there is one thing that is severely lacking in this world, it is assholes.The planet on which we live is teeming with selfless, generous do-gooders and it is, frankly, quite nauseating. In the spirit of fighting for the underdog, The Indie Guy, in conjunction with the Royal Society of Douchebags brings to you…

How to Be an Asshole: 101 Ways to Play Up Your Douchebaggery

1) When you are talking to people, tilt your chin up a bit so that you are looking down your nose at them.

2) Interject your opinion into every conversation, beginning with the statement: “Oh, really?”

3) Cock your eyebrow– just one– at people when they talk to you.

4) Offer unsolicited advice.

5) Give people the cold shoulder when they don’t follow your unsolicited advice.

6) Start rumors about people.

7) Feed others’ rumors about people.

8) When confronted by the victim of your rumors, laugh at them and say: “I have better things to do than talk about you…”

9) Then, go tell all your friends how you stood up to the victim.

10) When you get caught in a lie… deny, deny, deny!

11) Shift the blame.

12) When people get emotional, snicker.

13) Roll your eyes when people show their sensitive side.

14) Send phone calls to voice mail, then don’t check the message.

15) Hang up on people when they say things you don’t want to hear.

16) Don’t call your friends/family on their birthday.

17) Use someone else to “break the news.”

18) Answer your cell phone at church ( or Mandir or Masjid or whatever )

19) Answer your cell phone at the movies.

20) Answer your cell phone at dinner.

21) First thing in the morning, check your cell phone.

22) Last thing at night, check your cell phone.

23) Text during sex.

24) Tweet more than three times a day.

25) Update your Facebook status more than three times a day.

26) Blow up Facebook newsfeeds with updates, then refuse to answer the phone when your “friends” call you.

27) Start fights on Facebook.

28) Get into the fray on others’ Facebook face-offs.

29) Pick on the weak guy.

30) Kick someone when they are down.

31) Jump on the bandwagon.

32) Rock the boat.  Everywhere and with everything.

33) Call people names.

34) Say “I told you so” when you are right.

35) Reply to compliments with “I know, right?!”

36) Monopolize every conversation.

37) Threaten to sue everyone.

38) Actually sue everyone.

39) Bend the rules to suit your whims.

40) Act like you are God’s gift to the world.

41) When you loan someone money, charge them interest– especially if they are family members.

42) Don’t ever apologize.

43) Don’t compliment anyone, ever.

44) Pat yourself on the back repeatedly.

45) When your dog sh*ts in public, don’t pick it up.

46) When your dog is barking at 11:45 PM, don’t get him quiet.

47) Call the cops on your neighbors’ loud parties, even though you were invited but chose not to show up.

48) Turn off your lights before 6:00 PM on Halloween night.

49) Tell children that Santa doesn’t exist.

50) Boo at people when they sing karaoke.

51) Get pissing drunk and then start demeaning people.

52) Send nasty texts.

53) Don’t stop until someone is crying.

54) Complain about everything you eat at restaurants.

55) Complain about everything you eat at home.

56) Respond to break-ups with “Oh, it’s definitely you.”

57) Leave your trash cans on the curb for several days after trash day.

58) Park your car in front of your neighbor’s house because they have shade and you don’t.

59) Let your grass grow too long– or die– and don’t weed your front yard.

60) Bring up the past, then bring it up again.  Keep bringing it up until the memory becomes too fuzzy to validate.

61) Use religion as a weapon.

62) Use children as a weapon.

63) Refer to your friends as “fans, subjects, and followers.”

64) Don’t pay your debts.

65) Don’t pay for dinner.

66) Refuse responsibility at all times.

67) Take semi-clad photos of yourself, then post ‘em!

68) Ask for the input of others, then when they share, tell them their ideas are lame.

69) Refer to yourself in the third person.

70) Tell people that you’ll “pencil them in.”

71) Tell off-color jokes in mixed company.

72) Host a cheese and wine tasting party.

73) When you see kids misbehaving in public, loudly berate the parents, but not to their faces.

74) Make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

75) Make plans and don’t show up.

76) Change your mind.  All the time.

77) Pass off every time you let someone down with the phrase “I had good intentions.”

78) Make sexist comments.

79) Rest assured that you are always right; therefore, everyone else is wrong.

80) Convert others to your beliefs about everything.

81) Talk about yourself at every opportunity.

82) Adopt an irritating laugh.

83) When you are in a bad mood, do your best to ensure that everyone else’s day is ruined, too.

84) Make yourself a hero in every story.

85) Keep a little black book.

86) Point out the faults of others, especially if they are obvious.

87) Degrade others’ hard work, especially in the work place.

88) Do less than is expected of you.

89) Make a scene when you don’t get your way.

90) Join the WBC.

91) Whisper about people right in front of them.

92) Stare.

93) Point.

94) Don’t donate, don’t volunteer, don’t help out.

95) Incriminate others.

96) Make messes, but leave them for others to clean up.

97) Eat the last doughnut, drink the last coffee, use the last creamer.

98) Live by the phrase “Better you than me.”

99) Dictate the actions of anyone and everyone you can.

100) Answer the question “why” with the answer “because I said so.”

101) When someone says they trust you, immediately do your best to destroy that trust.

Most of us are guilty of doing several things on this list at least once in our lives, but that is not justifiable behavior for deeming yourself an Asshole.  In order to truly become an Asshole, it is important to make a majority of these behaviors and actions part of your personality.  Still feeling inadequate of the title?  Go kick a puppy or trip an old lady.  That will get you on the right track to being a public menace.