Why Does Rejection By Your Crush Hurt So Much

Crushes are beautiful. Sometimes even more beautiful than relationships themselves. They remind you of a perfect world; two lovers existing in a blissful modern-day fairytale; no disagreements, no jealousies, no tiffs. They say the best thing you can do to your love is to never marry them. In English poetry, the concept of the unattainable mistress has been very popular. The languishing lover, usually the poet, pines for the love of the icy beloved who doesn’t give a hoot about him.

Something similar happens in real life too, even though we may not realise it. Crushes are very often one-sided, more often than we’d like them to be. And this probably is not gender specific; it ails both men and women equally. The reasons could be many—perhaps you are not yourself in front of them; perhaps you two are very different people (a fact responsible for you liking them but also for them not noticing you).

Stealing glances at them; butterflies in the stomach when they come to talk to you, stalking them on Facebook are just the first sensations of love we feel. And they are often so overwhelming, often orgasmic in their headiness that everything else fades into oblivion. Overcome by that feeling, you can never be yourself in their presence. Perhaps you fall silent, perhaps you falter; hopefully you just don’t grin from ear to ear in their presence; you are too busy admiring them, basking in the warm glow of love. Or sometimes you are too chatty, too close for comfort, always available, always the guy staring.

They say we always like someone who we think is better than us or is out of our league—more good-looking, smarter, more successful. While that’s somewhat true about infatuation and the outward signs could confirm that, truth is we often take a liking to someone when we see in them what we desire in life. You may be able to see something in someone that the rest of the world can’t. You like the fact that she can stand up for herself; you like it that she can be so empathetic towards people; nobody else notices it but you do. You value those traits; maybe they come naturally to her but for you, they matter enough to make you fall in love with her. Her parameters of love could be different.

They say opposites attract, and that is one of the first laws of attraction, but it doesn’t guarantee a relationship. You love the way she laughs easily and heartily, something you never do. You love the way she brings life to every gathering. You are in awe of her. But will she be in love with you? Maybe yes, maybe not. She might not notice you, she might never get to know you, considering you don’t talk much. Often it ends as a one-sided feeling.

And then the hurt starts. The self-introspection, the self-blame, the embarrassment. You have to realise it didn’t happen because one of the two of you is better but because you are two very different people. If your natures are different, then your worlds are different, your friends are different, your tastes are different. Love doesn’t happen easily in such cases. A crush is like a beautiful rose bush; let it be, let it bloom away in the distance; don’t try to own it, don’t struggle too much to make it your own or you might ruin it forever. If it’s meant to happen, the wind will carry the fragrance to you.

Why It Hurts So Bad

So when our crush doesn’t reciprocate our feelings, why is it that we are left heart-broken? Have we fallen so in love with that person that we can’t imagine a life without them? Or do we think they were the one? And it couldn’t have been anyone better? But in reality, we grieve not over a lost love but over a hurt ego and a ‘what if’. They rejected us. They did not choose us. They did not develop a liking for us. We failed to entice them, to make them fall in love with us. We see it as a personal failure. At the end of the day, it’s not about them; it’s about us.

We all have insecurities and it’s perfectly okay to have them. Those very insecurities are brought to the fore when someone rejects us. Maybe it’s the hair; or if I had been a little taller; or if I were a tad wittier…the list never ends.

And then there are the what ifs. What if were perfect for each other? What if we got on like a house on fire? What if she secretly liked me? What if she was the one? Could we have been soulmates? The uncertainty is killing. The regret sharp. When it’s a crush that fails to materialize, you can never know. Whereas, in a relationship that eventually fades away, two people have gone through the process of falling out of love. They have tried and they have failed. They have spent good times and they have spent bad times. They have seen each other’s ugly.

But when your crush walks away, you are still head over heels over them. They still make your heart skip a beat. You are still in the most beautiful phase of falling in love—the one where you get tingly sensations in the stomach on seeing them. You did not get a chance to try it out and see if it worked or not. You did not get a chance to grow out of the heady feeling. And that’s why it hurts.

But, of course, it’s a phase that’s short-lived. When a crush fails, the pain is sharp but quick. Like a bandage being ripped off. As soon as we realize that all the hurt is within us, it’s very easy to get out of it. It’s the ego you’ve to nurse. It’s the hope you’ve to rekindle. Because there will be many more, many who like you. You will not miss the person. You will even forget their name. But you’ll nurse that heady feeling, that capacity to like someone so wholeheartedly and purely. As they say, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and you are a person who is beautiful enough to find beauty. Cherish that. You’ll always find it.

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Scraps 5.0

Day 14

It always has a pattern. You meet a great person. You become friends with them. Then come the late night conversations. Finally you confess your love. Not to the said person of course, but to your best friend. Then days go by tearing the petals of a freshly plucked flower called love. And you finally make the all-important confession. And if you are lucky, your love is reciprocated.

But for how long? Maybe a few months. After that it all comes crashing down in a whirlwind of misplaced emotions. If both of you agree that you have somehow fallen out of that love that a week back you thought was irreplaceable while lying in bed, then you are doomed with being just friends for the rest of your lives. If it’s not consensual then one of you leaves scarred, the shadow of which falls on your next irreplaceable love. Regardless how it ends, you leave a part of yourself back to where you thought you will always belong.

But when you somehow think that you have lasted long enough for both of you to be together forever, wake up in each others’ arms every morning for the rest of your lives and do all the things that cute posts on Instagram ask you to do for you to be a perfect couple, then why is it that you still have a figment of emotion left in your head that doubts your significant other and constantly tries to hinder your perfect love life with your perfect person? Is it just the jealousy that other people get to spend more time with that person you thought will forever have your undivided attention or is it because you still do not know if your love is same as the one that your friends have who seem to move on to a next every few months? Whatever it may be, it is certain to wreak havoc in your perfect home. Doubt is something that does not let you rest. It eats you from the inside because you know that the moment you show it, it spells doom.

Why can you not doubt and just stay the way you were when the relationship began and it seemed like neither of you could get enough of each other? Why is it that doubt always results in you deciding to leave the person with whom till a few days back you thought you will have two kids in a nice house with a dog to give you company while the kids are out to play? Why can you not fight the doubt? Worse, why can you not fight the doubt together? Is your love not strong enough to defeat a puny figment of emotion that is swept under the carpet in a dark corner of your brain where you do not even want to go? Because when you have something that you cherish, something that makes you so happy that you do not mind growing old anymore, do not mind leaving people you care about just because you care about this person the most, it something you keep and not something you let go off. You fight for it. You make it live. Because always remember that the night when you had hugged her, you had thought that that place was the best place in this world and that place will never change. Come what may. It may get lost but there is nothing that is lost which cannot be found. There is no love that is ever lost. It is just two people who do not want to try hard enough.

Why Do You Smile

Why do you smile
When I cry
With pain, anguish,
Dejected by the pangs of separation?
Do you not see
My endless suffering,
Crumpling on the face of life,
Grieved at being away from you?
Do you not realize
The void in my life
Which is your name
That you choose not to come back?
Or do you want to see me suffer-
Burn in pain, scarred,
Mourning bereft of what was mine?
Or do you just want to close your eyes
And not look at me altogether?

As I Sit Under The Moonlight

As I sit under the moonlight
The silver kissing my face,
You engulf my mind
Your eyes, your smile
Of the rapt you rewarded me with always
Of your serenity, divinity
Your touch, your smell
You possess me in full
And then it all
Ends in an awkward suddenness
When I go back
To the time when
You chose life over me
Leaving with a thousand questions unanswered
Throwing away all that I showered on you,
Love, care and affection.
And now that I sit under the moonlight,
I assure myself that
Everything happens for a reason
And I stop thinking about you
And I treasure all that we had between.