How To Woo A Writer

Know the easiest way to woo a writer? For beginners, don’t set your sights on being their muse. A writer’s work tends to be a reflection of things they understand, but their minds are constantly preoccupied by thoughts they cannot grasp and concepts they cannot comprehend. A writer is curious and eternally intrigued; what they already fathom will never fascinate them.

In essence, never be a known entity to a writer. Instead, be the enigma that evades them. Be the emotion that toys with their inhibitions, but one they would still give a part of their sanity to decipher. Be an incomplete poem, be a half-written story; be the crumpled piece of paper tossed frustratingly into a bin because they couldn’t find the words to describe what lies within.

Know the easiest way to woo a writer? Be the paradox they couldn’t put into words.

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How To Take The Perfect Selfie

If you don’t know what a selfie is then there is no hope left for you in this world. So I’ll be jumping right in.

A good selfie requires that:

1. You need to be self-aware. Or have a nice face. Or at least, think you have a nice face. Or most probably just be delusional, obnoxious, vain and a self righteous prick/bitch. (depending on your gender).

2. You need to own a smart phone, preferably one that can flip the screen around so that you can see how to pull the most idiotic expression you can come up with, before capturing it for everyone to laugh at. And it needs to be a decent smart phone for nothing says: “I’m trying too hard” like a low resolution picture. And remember if all else fails you can even use a mirror, but please be aware of what might be lurking in the background, for as with most mirrors, it will be captured in the reflection. Oh and before I forget, remember to use a flash, for that might hide your face and protect you from serious ridicule.

3. You need to be on a social network. Sorry, let me rephrase that, you need to be on every social network known to man, alien and other semi-intelligent life-forms. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and what ever else may be out there at the moment. It’s all those places where the people who lost the ability to connect in ridiculous ways, like talking for example, hang out. You see you need to cast your selfie over the vast open spaces of the Internet, and in so doing you’re spreading happiness and joy, for everyone needs something to make them forget their troubles and break out in hysterics. Besides you’re also providing a service to parents like me, who now have an indexed album of examples, of people whom my kids are not allowed to bring home. Ever.

4. You need to be able to pout. Like when your eating a lemon after being stung by a bee on your lower lip. No scrap that, on both lips. Think Extreme pouting. Or just visit any mediocre celebrity’s Instagram page for a sample. You might as well wear a shirt that says “I’m cheap” when you don’t commit and give a mediocre, half-assed pout. Technically, pouting your lips is body language for I’m a whore, and I’ll do anything for I’m desperate and alone, but that’s just my interpretation.

5. If you don’t have that much of a face, and you know it, well first off, kudos’ to you! But please don’t let that stop you, just show some cleavage. Your rack will distract all attention from the ugly features of your face, so no one will even notice. Especially if you show some real inventive ways of showing off the twins i.e covered in hair or nothing. For guys, same rule apply. Show some pectoral muscles, and if you don’t have any…Well then…I don’t know.

6. Have long arms, the longer they are the better. The problem with a lot of selfies is that it’s either out of focus or it’s cropped showing one eye and some facial hair. And then there is the numerous photos of men… Take a moment and consider how much of your face will be in the shot. If you can’t fit the whole thing, then revert to the mirror technique. People don’t want to guess which idiot they are seeing, they want the full reveal.

7. And if you can’t do any of the above, well just take a picture of yourself doing something really amazing, like hanging on a door, showing off your ass, touching your lips or eating a hot dog. Because we can all do with a little inspiration.

And with that I’m done. But seriously :

If you want to post a photo of yourself, get someone to take the frigging photo for you, at a decent angle, with some consideration for composure and lighting. Then crop and edit. It’s that simple.

It remains one of the most ridiculous things on the Internet today, in my humble opinion. Well that and the fan page for Kanye West.

How To Not Get Hired

I love the work I do, I love my boss, and I love that I am not the boss.

And all that love puts me in the tiniest minority of people in the history of the world. As far as I know, it’s just me and some guy in Nowhere, Oklahoma, who lives for grilled cheese sandwiches and works at a bread factory that his best friend owns.

The only part of my job I don’t like involves hiring co-workers.  You see, over the years, I’ve noticed a tendency for people to interview for jobs they don’t want.

Of course, they’re never so obvious as to just say “I don’t want this job.” Nor do they take the path most traveled and simply not apply.  No, these people devise clever stratagems that must take nights of planning.

After years of researching the best of the best in this particular field, I’ve created a comprehensive guide to help those with the same mission.  For those of you actively applying for jobs you don’t want, I hope these 8 Reminders lead to the pathway to all your life’s desires.

8 Easy Ways to Not Get a Job

You know what they say about the mice, men, and best-laid plans.  You planned to not get this job while applying, but this office or store is obviously desperate for help. They reviewed your half-completed application and typo-ridden résumé, and still decided invited you in for an interview.

Here’s how to take this crazy bull by the horns and keep from getting hired.

1. Show Up Late

This is important. Nothing suggests a total disregard for the people waiting for you like showing up 10 minutes late. Don’t let it go with a simple apology, either– no, explain it with a story that takes another 10 minutes to tell. The more mundane your story, the better– consider the one about how you lost your keys and looked everywhere. Be specific. Did you check the fridge?  Was it by the lettuce or cheese?  Where did you buy the lettuce?

2. Hesitate Awkwardly Over Security and Safety Questions

When the interviewer jovially asks, “Do you get along well with others? No fist-fights with co-workers, etc, haha!”, do not make eye contact. Wait a good 3 minutes and then answer, “Yes.”

Do not explain.

3. Talk About Poop

poop

A lot.

In fact, if you can find some way to integrate poop into every question you answer, then consider yourself a success.

You can explain it however you choose. Tell that story again about how you’re a parent returning to the workforce and that poop has become the cornerstone of your existence. The reason is really just for you, since any poop talk will move you to the bottom of the stack.

You might as well be creative!

4.  Keep your Phone On and Take All Calls

Answer the phone on the first ring without explaining and put your finger over your mouth to keep that noisy interviewer from interrupting. After the call is over, go into extreme detail about the person who called and what their call means to you. If you’ve ever had sex with that person, include that information.

5. Dress Down

Select your interview outfit from any combination of the following clothing items: sweat pants (preferably neon-colored), mumus, overalls with biblical verses embroided, blue jeans with holes, and Che Guevara t-shirts. Do not wear shoes! This is an interview, not the opera!

6. Provide False or Bad References

Do you remember that guy you beat up in the 5th grade? Give his number. You know the neighbors you keep up all night with your rabble-rousing and drug-dealing? Give their number, too.

Also, always remember to include the President of the United States and other important people for whom you did not work.

7. Push

If you have a feeling the interviewer is enjoying your company too much, emphasize your sentences by pushing them. Use both hands.

8.  Lie

Tell them that story about how someone tried to rob the mall store where you worked. Be sure to explain how you jumped over the counter, ran down two flights of stairs, and finally beat up that crook at the bottom of an escalator to your favorite Bon Jovi song. Punctuate the story with sound effects, punching demonstrations, and by singing Eye of the Tiger at full volume. Bon Jovi didn’t sing Eye of the Tiger, but that’s alright.  Just insist he did.

______________________________________

That’s the best of the best, friends.

I hope it saves you from the pesky jobs that you apply for, interview for, and never wanted in the first place!

How Not To Pack For Vacation

You’ve worked hard and now it’s time to think about getting away from all the stress associated with everyday life. It’s time for a holiday. Those vacations are usually a once a year trip that we plan, dream of and sometimes, obsess about. Every little detail is scrutinized over to squeeze out the maximum amount of pleasure from the limited period allotted for ‘time off.’ To ensure the most fun deemed feasible from your trip and, possibly off the radar of the local, friendly police force, here is a suggestion for how not to pack for a vacation. Some of the items on this list will more than likely land you in an extended holiday in a dank, dark prison cell, or worse, in the doghouse. Other items are things that, at the time, seemed like a good idea, but turned out to bring a little hell to our otherwise peaceful existence.

1. Porn.

Videos of you and your significant other engaged in clothing optional nocturnal activities should be left at home. These little discs of blackmail material can turn up missing while your luggage is being scanned by those trustworthy and upstanding security officers. Years from now, you don’t want to be running for some political office only to have your campaign derailed because of your raunchy sex tape (unless you decide to tweet pictures of you man parts like a certain politician from New York did and decide to run again – I really don’t wanna see your Weiner). Although, it could help you become an internet sensation. Instead, make new videos while on vacation as a souvenir of the great time you had while on vacation. Unlike other vacation videos, these will be sure to be watched over and over.

2. Illegal drugs.

Yes, it is a time to relax and forget about stressful things like work, bills, and the neighbor’s dog that barks all night. But, leaving the illegal substances at home will ensure almost stress-free travel to your vacation destination. Buy your recreational drugs when you get there, you will be stimulating the local economy and experiencing a little of the native culture. As an added bonus, if you are arrested for buying or using an illegal substance, you will get a free tour of the inside of their judicial and prison systems. Now that is something to write home about.

3. Weapons.

Unless you are an international spy, a rogue agent or a freelance hitman, it’s best to leave the weapons to the professionals. Those automatic rifles, blinged out pistols, and stun gun in a stapler are freakin’ cool, but they don’t belong on a plane, train or automobile (cruise ships might be ok – especially if you run the risk of going weeks without power and need to defend yourself or hunt for food). You don’t want to be joining your drug using buddies in the local pokey because you forgot to leave your Bowie knife cum bottle opener next to the case of Coors Light and the stack of adult rated, late night, home movies.

4. Exotic animals.

Only Hollywood types and eccentrics bring along their favorite Bengal tiger or barfy cute kinkajou. And you don’t want the local drug lord or crooked police chief taking notice of you and pressuring you into handing over your beloved pet or sacrifice a family member until you agree to his terms. Stop looking at your spouse like that. If it wasn’t for them, you’d probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, hung over from a three day bender and trying to remember your mother’s maiden name. You owe them your life. Leave Fluffy at home and everyone lives happily ever after. Ok, mostly happy. (Look what happened to Beiber and his poor little monkey – not *that* monkey, perv!)

5. Boyfriend/girlfriend (if you’re married).

Lest you are a master juggler, taking along your boyfriend/girlfriend and your spouse is probably not the wisest decision you will ever make. The probability of them crossing paths would send even the most ruthless and daring bookie heading for a safer bet. Save the rendezvous with the extra marital baggage for those boring, out of town meetings and conventions that your better half simply abhors.

6. Mother-in-law.

This is supposed to be fun, right? Why would you bring along a miserable, nagging, old hag that will probably complain about everything from the lumpy bed to the tight ass on the half-naked cabana boy serving watered down rum punch? Unless you plan on stuffing a dirty sock in her mouth and duct taping it in place, accidently forget to pick her up on the way to the airport and enjoy your well-earned holiday. Just don’t forget to turn off the cell phone and tell the front desk that you are unavailable.

7. Work.

No matter how much your pimp whines, leave his good for nothing ass at home. You need a little time to let your hair down, relax and enjoy life. After all, you earned that measly 10% that he allows you to keep from all that back breaking, knee scraping physical labor. And don’t even think about sending him anything. When he went on vacation, where were you? Yeah, you were working to support him. And who did he take on his vacation? He took that ho, Cindy-May. Girl, don’t even think about going back. You packed your bags, hopped a plane and now you’re in paradise. This is life’s way of telling you it’s time to start over.  Grab that pole and shake your money maker!

Bonus:

8. Friends.

Unless you can stand seeing them first thing in the morning without a caffeine injection, fresh clothes, make up, or showered, leave them behind. You may not want to ruin a perfectly good friendship and a vacation of a lifetime by freaking out when you see them naked. And how much do you really want to know about their bathroom routine? I didn’t think so.

Vacations are the time to set aside the stressors from work, home and life in general. A little forethought and planning can go a long way to ensure your vacation is postcard perfect. By leaving behind items that may induce stress, you are almost guaranteed to have at the best damn time allowed by law, unless it’s otherwise stated in the fine print.

Disclaimer: The author takes no responsibility for any reader’s actions if said reader takes it upon themselves to follow or ignore the following not so helpful hints and advice on packing for a holiday. Reader’s discretion is advised. Read at your own risk. Do not operate heavy machinery while texting. May cause erectile malfunction. Some assembly suggested. Only use under the direction of a trained medical professional – medical school drop outs count. You have been warned.

How To Be An Asshole

If there is one thing that is severely lacking in this world, it is assholes.The planet on which we live is teeming with selfless, generous do-gooders and it is, frankly, quite nauseating. In the spirit of fighting for the underdog, The Indie Guy, in conjunction with the Royal Society of Douchebags brings to you…

How to Be an Asshole: 101 Ways to Play Up Your Douchebaggery

1) When you are talking to people, tilt your chin up a bit so that you are looking down your nose at them.

2) Interject your opinion into every conversation, beginning with the statement: “Oh, really?”

3) Cock your eyebrow– just one– at people when they talk to you.

4) Offer unsolicited advice.

5) Give people the cold shoulder when they don’t follow your unsolicited advice.

6) Start rumors about people.

7) Feed others’ rumors about people.

8) When confronted by the victim of your rumors, laugh at them and say: “I have better things to do than talk about you…”

9) Then, go tell all your friends how you stood up to the victim.

10) When you get caught in a lie… deny, deny, deny!

11) Shift the blame.

12) When people get emotional, snicker.

13) Roll your eyes when people show their sensitive side.

14) Send phone calls to voice mail, then don’t check the message.

15) Hang up on people when they say things you don’t want to hear.

16) Don’t call your friends/family on their birthday.

17) Use someone else to “break the news.”

18) Answer your cell phone at church ( or Mandir or Masjid or whatever )

19) Answer your cell phone at the movies.

20) Answer your cell phone at dinner.

21) First thing in the morning, check your cell phone.

22) Last thing at night, check your cell phone.

23) Text during sex.

24) Tweet more than three times a day.

25) Update your Facebook status more than three times a day.

26) Blow up Facebook newsfeeds with updates, then refuse to answer the phone when your “friends” call you.

27) Start fights on Facebook.

28) Get into the fray on others’ Facebook face-offs.

29) Pick on the weak guy.

30) Kick someone when they are down.

31) Jump on the bandwagon.

32) Rock the boat.  Everywhere and with everything.

33) Call people names.

34) Say “I told you so” when you are right.

35) Reply to compliments with “I know, right?!”

36) Monopolize every conversation.

37) Threaten to sue everyone.

38) Actually sue everyone.

39) Bend the rules to suit your whims.

40) Act like you are God’s gift to the world.

41) When you loan someone money, charge them interest– especially if they are family members.

42) Don’t ever apologize.

43) Don’t compliment anyone, ever.

44) Pat yourself on the back repeatedly.

45) When your dog sh*ts in public, don’t pick it up.

46) When your dog is barking at 11:45 PM, don’t get him quiet.

47) Call the cops on your neighbors’ loud parties, even though you were invited but chose not to show up.

48) Turn off your lights before 6:00 PM on Halloween night.

49) Tell children that Santa doesn’t exist.

50) Boo at people when they sing karaoke.

51) Get pissing drunk and then start demeaning people.

52) Send nasty texts.

53) Don’t stop until someone is crying.

54) Complain about everything you eat at restaurants.

55) Complain about everything you eat at home.

56) Respond to break-ups with “Oh, it’s definitely you.”

57) Leave your trash cans on the curb for several days after trash day.

58) Park your car in front of your neighbor’s house because they have shade and you don’t.

59) Let your grass grow too long– or die– and don’t weed your front yard.

60) Bring up the past, then bring it up again.  Keep bringing it up until the memory becomes too fuzzy to validate.

61) Use religion as a weapon.

62) Use children as a weapon.

63) Refer to your friends as “fans, subjects, and followers.”

64) Don’t pay your debts.

65) Don’t pay for dinner.

66) Refuse responsibility at all times.

67) Take semi-clad photos of yourself, then post ‘em!

68) Ask for the input of others, then when they share, tell them their ideas are lame.

69) Refer to yourself in the third person.

70) Tell people that you’ll “pencil them in.”

71) Tell off-color jokes in mixed company.

72) Host a cheese and wine tasting party.

73) When you see kids misbehaving in public, loudly berate the parents, but not to their faces.

74) Make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

75) Make plans and don’t show up.

76) Change your mind.  All the time.

77) Pass off every time you let someone down with the phrase “I had good intentions.”

78) Make sexist comments.

79) Rest assured that you are always right; therefore, everyone else is wrong.

80) Convert others to your beliefs about everything.

81) Talk about yourself at every opportunity.

82) Adopt an irritating laugh.

83) When you are in a bad mood, do your best to ensure that everyone else’s day is ruined, too.

84) Make yourself a hero in every story.

85) Keep a little black book.

86) Point out the faults of others, especially if they are obvious.

87) Degrade others’ hard work, especially in the work place.

88) Do less than is expected of you.

89) Make a scene when you don’t get your way.

90) Join the WBC.

91) Whisper about people right in front of them.

92) Stare.

93) Point.

94) Don’t donate, don’t volunteer, don’t help out.

95) Incriminate others.

96) Make messes, but leave them for others to clean up.

97) Eat the last doughnut, drink the last coffee, use the last creamer.

98) Live by the phrase “Better you than me.”

99) Dictate the actions of anyone and everyone you can.

100) Answer the question “why” with the answer “because I said so.”

101) When someone says they trust you, immediately do your best to destroy that trust.

Most of us are guilty of doing several things on this list at least once in our lives, but that is not justifiable behavior for deeming yourself an Asshole.  In order to truly become an Asshole, it is important to make a majority of these behaviors and actions part of your personality.  Still feeling inadequate of the title?  Go kick a puppy or trip an old lady.  That will get you on the right track to being a public menace.

How To Make A New Year Resolution

2013 had finally come to a close, and with it all your crushed dreams, mediocre sexcapades, Bieber retirement announcements and dashed hopes. But here’s a brand new year on the horizon, and with new year comes new resolutions.

So if you still haven’t made up your mind on your new year promises, follow this to create the greatest resolution list known to man.

1. “I will lose weight”

Nearly everyone’s New Year’s list will include the phrase “I will lose weight.” And you will go to the supermarket that first week in January and buy celery and sawdust and maybe even that Jillian Michael’s exercise ball in the shape of her mouth, and then the celery will wilt, a bird will make a nest out of the sawdust, and you will be eating a stick of butter coated in nutella on top of a partially deflated exercise ball that has become part of your ass structure. A better resolution to make is “Eat less nutella” and then don’t quantify it at all because you can always eat less nutella than the population of the world.

2. “I will save more money”

Lets face it, money makes the world go round, which makes this resolution so tempting to make. Unfortunately wages are stagnating, inflation is increasing and the bitcoin is something I refuse to learn about. A better resolution to make is “If I see a penny, I will pick it up.”

3. “I will take my blog to the next level”

If you’re reading this, you’re likely a blogger, and you likely have dreams that one day, a publisher with more money than sense will see your blog out of the 453,072,981 other blogs and give you a book deal because this publisher can not get enough of your writing about your ingrown toenail that you’ve named Fredericko. But you know that expression–why pay for writing when you can get a cow for free?–there’s a reason why that expression is so popular. A better resolution to make is “I will take care of my ingrown toenail.”

4. “I will be nicer”

Let’s face it. Everyone is awful now. They have their eyeballs glued to screens so when you bump into them because you’re busy texting “whas up, dawg?” to your dog, this jackass doesn’t even mumble “sorry.” And his supermarket cart is right in the middle of the asile. Right in the middle! So no one can pass. I’m sorry, are you the King of the Supermarket? Am I suppose to grovel at your feet until you deign me worthy enough to pass? Unbelievable. A better resolution is “I will avoid all other humans.”

And that’s it! And by writing this, I have taken the first step towards my 2014 resolution that I would write more for this blog. And then get that book deal. There’s still a few months, right?

How To Be A Tourist In NYC

Tourist? Thinking of NYC? Just don’t know yet how to face the metropolitan? Well here’s a quickfire How To guide :

1. Hold your iPhone at arm’s length from your face as you struggle to orient your direction on Google Maps. You might also consider carrying a sign that says, “Free mobile device, I won’t put up a struggle.”

2. Look right at the Empire State building and tell your friend that it’s not the Empire State Building. I mean it can’t be, because the other buildings around it look taller, right? Perspective, what’s that?

3. Buy a hotdog from a street vendor. Oh, this strange unwashed man is going to nestle this oddly pale dog into a bun with his bare hands? What a personal touch, isn’t New York City charming!

4. Run up to people in Elmo suits like it’s fucking Disney World. Walk away with a souvenir photo and a complimentary squeeze on the ass.

5. Marvel at people who have coated themselves in metallic paint to look like statues, then scream like a little girl when they jump at you. Natives, by contrast, never lose their cool. Twerking in the middle of the sidewalk, no problem. Body pulled out of the Hudson, another day on Law & Order. Remember tourists, always lose your cool.

6. Apologize for bumping into people, and I mean every single one. We live in a civilized society.

7. Point in a completely random direction when someone asks you where a major landmark is. It’s just so flattering, how can you not mask your ignorance in that situation?

8. Comment that you’re pretty sure this is the street corner where Ice-T called someone his bitch on SVU. It’s perfect because you can’t be wrong.

9. Hail a taxi like you’re sticking your hand into an open flame. New Yorkers do tend to bite.

10. Walk down the block in a random direction to determine whether you’re going uptown or downtown, then turn around because obviously you’re wrong. Again. Seriously do natives have an internal compass?

11. Make eye contact with pushy street vendors and listen to their ten-minute sales pitch/accept a lot of fliers you don’t want while native passersby snicker at your vulnerability.

12. Whip out your disposable camera every time you see a building that looks historical or a guy in a Spiderman suit. Feel free to block foot traffic as you do so.

13. Be in Times Square.

14. Don’t give up your seat on the subway, no matter how old, pregnant, or weak standing passengers may be. Jesus Christ you guys, I’m kidding– this is New York City, not Lord of the Flies. Have a fucking soul.

How To Write a Rap Song : A Gift For Bad Mothas

To all of the bad Mothas out there, please accept this incredible gift that keeps on giving: the key ingredients to write an amazing rap song. When you rake in millions for your ghetto fabulous track, I ask that you please send me 35% of your earnings.

Steps to write a rap song :

1. Establish yourself: You must, and I repeat MUST, yell out your area code between 4-6 times throughout your song. If you don’t, people won’t know where you’re from.

Helpful hint: If you hail from a small suburb, use the big city’s area code instead. Street cred is everything.

Jay-Z throws up his “Hova” sign, as does the large man in the background. Contrary to popular belief, Jay-Z is not a Geometry teacher with an affinity for the triangle.

Jay-Z throws up his “Hova” sign, as does the large man in the background. Contrary to popular belief, Jay-Z is not a Geometry teacher with an affinity for the triangle.

2. Brand yourself: Once you’ve recorded one song, thereby establishing yourself, begin referring to yourself by nickname only. “Ursher, baby!” “It’s Weezie!” “HOVA!” Additionally, it’s important to have a gesture or sign to accompany the name.

3. Announce yourself: Insert a distinct mating call as part of your lyrics. If you really want to compete in today’s rap game, you’ve got to stand out. The easiest way to do this is to yell out something incoherent. I have no idea what Pitbull is yelling in every one of his songs, but it sounds a lot like “dolly”. For some reason, I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, but he has a lot of money, so let’s go with it.

4. Rhyme party with Bacardi: It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, just throw these two words together and you’ve got yourself a platinum album.

5. Opposites attract: Depending on the level of your bad ass-ness, you’ll want to collaborate with someone who is a stark contrast to you. If you’re a Will Smith kind of rapper (i.e.: you will drop eff-bombs in your movies, but not on your albums), you’re gonna wanna go ahead and grab Lil’ Wayne. If he’s still alive. Is he alive? Anyway, if you’re more Eminem-esque, (i.e.: every other word out of your mouth is one that would make your grandmother cry), try hooking up with someone like Carrie Underwood. The lyrics will sound something like this:

Carrie: Reach for the moon/ Even if you miss, you’ll land among a pick-up truck I bashed in with a baseball bat.

Eminem: I’ll set dat bitch on fire/ You’ll find her in my mother f*ckin trunk/ I’ll do it ‘cuz I love ma daughters.

The duo is so crazy that it will work; white kids everywhere will love it.

6. Brag: Buy a push-button car, expensive clothes, or black diamonds and rap about them. A lot. And then remind all of the other poor, struggling rappers that they’re nothing until they’ve got gold in their mouth and chains on their neck. This may incite a string of thefts, but it’s in the name of music rap.

7. Get poetic: Figurative language goes a long way. 50 Cent gets it: “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” What’s up now, Emerson? Rapper Drake prefers the metaphorical route: “the game needs change and I’m the cashier.” Can you get with this, Whitman?

8. Come up from nothing: If you’re middle-class, attended school on a regular basis, and/or volunteered in the neighborhood watch, you are not eligible for come-uppance.

9. Hate someone or something: The police, the president, me–just focus your intense hatred on something and throw it into every song.

10. Fake it: If you can’t come up with a title, a track, a hook–whatever, just steal it. In the music community, this is called “sampling.” In the creative community, this is called a “cop-out.” Either way, it pays trillions.

Happy rapping, bitchez.

How To Get Smarter

Everyone wants intelligence. That’s why we all willingly go to school for our entire childhood and then spend the next two decades’ worth of income (that is, if you’re an engineer – if you study something like art or literature, you can expect to pay that shit off in HAHAHAHA years) on more education. But isn’t there an easier path to a bigger brain?

No, there isn’t, you idiot.

But here’s a ten-step guide to making yourself smarter anyway.

1. Read a book

A surefire way to superiority is to partake in the reading of a great novel. The older, the better. Just pick up your copy of Great Expectations and… Oh. Holy shit this is long. Good lord, what’s up with this word? “Architectooralooral?” Screw this, let’s start with something easier.

2. Read some poetry

This is short! You can make it through this! Okay, so… The poet is comparing the grass to his mistress’ eyelashes, right?  And the rolling hills are… Ooh, this is dirty. Perhaps we should try something else.

3. Learn to play an instrument

Studies show that children who take part in the fine arts score marginally higher on standardized tests. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the free brainpower! Just sit down at that piano and practice, practice, practice! Yeah, just go ahead and… Oh. Oh God. Okay, please stop. Damn it, see, now the dog is scratching up the front door.

4. Take up an internship

You’ll get some direct experience this way. Direct experience in slave labor, that is.

5. Work some math problems

There’s nothing quite as exciting as buckling down with some intense number play. It really stimulates the left hemisphere of your brain. Just grab your calculator and –

math

What the hell, what happened to the numbers? I thought this was math!

6. Do a crossword puzzle

This is a surefire way to test your vocabulary and build upon it. Ah, here’s a good one. Let’s see, the first clue is, “Name of stick used in Zimbabwe as a toiletry.” Okay, that’s a little tough, but we can come back to it once we fill in some letters. Next clue. “Location of the first kitten space program.” Never mind.

7. Watch a stimulating movie

The horror. The horror.

8. Sudoku?

Because the math and crosswords both worked so well on their own.

9. Eat paint

Believe it or not, this will work! It’s caused by the Dunning-Kruger effect. If you make yourself dumber, you’ll feel smarter. Once you feel significantly brainy, start your own talk show on Fox News. And don’t worry about consuming too much paint. If you die, you’ll gain infinite enlightenment in the afterlife. It’s foolproof.

10. Read How-To blogs

At the end of the day, all you really need is some schmuck who may or may not have any sort of credibility teaching you how to do things instead of figuring it out on your own.

10 Blog Posts Every Blogger Has To Write

I have been reading WordPress blogs for months now, and I have noticed that certain types of blog posts are more common than others. So I thought I’d aggregate these most common blog posts into just one short post for your enjoyment. Alternatively, you can use this post as your blogging guide which will save your valuable time by providing you with the pre-written template blog posts that you can simply copy and paste into your blog.

 I was planning to write a separate post about 10 most common blog photos, but this woman is in 9 out of 10 of them.

I was planning to write a separate post about 10 most common blog photos, but this woman is in 9 out of 10 of them.

1) Hello, World!  This blog will be a platform for my thoughts about me, myself, my thoughts about myself, and occasionally about _____, _____, what I think about this, and Megan Fox. I will write as often as I can, since I usually think daily about different things, I think. See, I’ve just thought again! I better start posting stuff right now!

2) The Day Of Outrage:  I don’t normally get outraged about things, but ______ was outrageous! Did you see how outrageous that was! You didn’t? This is so outrageous that you haven’t seen it yet! You gotta check out just how outrageous this was! See! Told you! Wasn’t it outrageous? Please share your outrage in the comments section, because I’ll be outraged if you don’t!

3) The Away Message:  I apologize, my dear readers, for leaving you without your daily fix of information about me, and temporarily abandoning my blog for almost three hours. I am really sorry that you had to put your life on hold because you did not know what’s going on with my life. But I was busy with things. It’s not like I don’t have a life, you know? Haha. Honestly, I promise to write three times a day from now on. It’s not like I really have a life, you know? Haha.

4) Search Terms Of Endearment:  I have to share the good news with you! I am on Google now! Yes, you can enter something in Google and it will find my blog! Isn’t it cool? And apparently, people enter completely random things and still find my blog! Check out this hilarious search term: ______. Isn’t it hilarious? And what about this: _________? Even more hilarious, right? And this: ___________. What’s up with that?? Hilarious. But you know, seriously, even though all these result are hilarious and all, but the search for “most totally amazing blog ever” doesn’t lead to my blog for some reason. I’m gonna have to call Google because I think there is a problem with their search.

5) The Freshly Pressed Hangover (posted the morning after). Thank you everyone for such thoughtful comments! I have never seen so many thoughtful comments saying “Congrats on being Freshly Pressed” ever! It is so great to be Freshly Pressed! It’s like a total vindication of my life’s work! My blog got so many page views that my computer totally crashed! Well, I was actually jumping for joy, and my foot tripped over the wire and my computer actually crashed! But now that I am a famous blogger, I have bought a bigger and better computer to write bigger and better posts!

6) The Guest Post: This amazing post is brought to you by the amazing blogger named ______ . He/she won’t be writing about me today, which is sad, but I get a day off from my blog, which is good. Please check out his/her work, he/she’s almost as amazing as me. But please read all my amazing posts first! You don’t actually have to read them if you don’t have time, but please click on them at least! Then come back tomorrow and read them! Or just “like’” them.

7) Gems From The Junk Filter:  Check this out! I just found out that WordPress is blocking some of the comments on my blog! These people have been leaving the nicest comments like “this is an excellently wrote post”, or “I have learning so much from this site”, or “your qualification is for among the best blogs of the internet”. Why does WordPress block these comments??? Who are they, grammar Nazis or something???

8) The Traffic Report:  Check out this picture. This is my page views stats. This looks just like Manhattan skyline, doesn’t it? I removed the numbers so you don’t get jealous. At least I hoped you would get jealous but I wasn’t really sure you would, so I deleted the numbers just in case. And then here is the next month, and it now looks more like New Jersey skyline. And look, here is this month, and it looks just like Nebraska. At least I think it looks like Nebraska, because I flew over it once and from up there Nebraska looked completely flat and sad, just like my recent traffic. Where is my traffic? Why isn’t anyone reading my blog??? I hate Nebraska!!!

9) My Amazing Cat:  My cat is totally amazing. It is so warm and fuzzy and smart. I wish my cat could write a post for my blog. I just know this post would have been so warm and fuzzy and smart that it’s gonna get Freshly Pressed instantly and I would get traffic again. I need traffic! Where is my traffic! Damn you cat! Write the post now!!! And make it warm and fuzzy and smart, damn it!!!

10) The Trends I Am Seeing:  I have been reading blogs for months now, and I have noticed that some types of blog posts are more common than others, so I thought I would aggregate them for your enjoyment and make fun of all of them at once. And when you’re out of ideas for your next blog post, this might just be your save!

Ah! Now I’m completely out of ideas!