An Exercise in Writer’s Block

Recently, I’ve been meaning to write many many things, but every time I try, things don’t come out right. I’ve been trying to stay patient, thinking ‘somethings going to happen, it’s bound to!’ (also said the man with erectile dysfunction. SNAP), but nothing did happen. All I ended up with was a chunk of meaningless Paulo Coelhoesque dribble.

So finally, I decided to just fuck it and write about what I’m doing. Can’t really hurt can it? And the fact that I’m perpetually doing something also supplies sufficient material. So here goes, the unedited continuous nonsense centering around my current activities:

The plane hurtled through the air, but on account of its almost excruciating tininess, it was more like a little capsule hurtling through the long intestine that is the stratosphere. It was one of the smaller planes, without all that ‘jet engine’ metrosexual poofy nonsense that’s all the rage these days. Instead, it had little black exposed rotors that suspiciously kept the plane in the air.

Anirban Chakraborty sat on the window seat at the rear of the plane looking through the window and half expecting the wings to flap.

It was a plain plane at best, without any class distinction as such-everybody got the same kind of seat. They still however wrote ‘economy’ on your ticket so you would know your place in the aero kingdom.

Anirban yawned and stretched as they cut through the sky elegantly, appearing to be motionless against blue pastel background, but actually moving because planes usually have to go somewhere. I’m guessing.

‘This is a no smoking flight’ said the hurried, heavily accented voice of an air hostess over the communication system.

They all are, thought Anirban. They all are. He played with the ashtray that was in his seat from days when that announcement did not have to be made. A happier time.

‘..Smoking in the toilets is also forbidden’

Well they’re part of the fucking flight aren’t they? Thought Anirban. He returned his attention to the corpus of the ashtray. Yes. He gingerly pulled it out of the the seat- it opened slowly. There was no ash inside. Just emptiness. Half expecting a burnished interior but finding-

‘Smoke detectors are installed in the bathroom-’

FUCKING REALLY? WE GET IT said Anirban. Perhaps out loud. Judging by the looks of the passengers around and the man sitting next to him slowly edging away, it was probably out loud. Or maybe he’d just grimaced. Or maybe they had traced the source of erstwhile occurring flatulence. It could have been anything.

An air hostess stopped in the aisle by the row he was sitting in.

‘What would you like sir?’ she asked in a softly lilting voice. She smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes that no prosaic language can express. Well truthfully, he wasn’t sure, but she was wearing what is best described as an upside down blue tin on her head. Such things can only bring sadness.

‘Sir?’ she asked again and she continued to smile. She was well proportioned; quite buxom. A fine ribs-to-funbags ratio. She looked at Anirban, her smile fixed. He felt a rush of feeling toward her. Most of that feeling was concentrated in a particular region, but at the same time he felt a hint of disgust. A hint of disgust that had no place being, yet was.

And suddenly- there was silence. He pondered his ambivalence, mulling it over in his mind, oblivious to the silence, the hum of the engine, the vibration of the plane-

‘Sir can you stop typing?’ she said finally to Anirban, who turned and flashed her a charming smile while continuing to type with one hand. A feat he could accomplish, because he was fucking awesome.

‘Yes m’lady’ he replied handsomely. This is also possible to do.

She tittered at being addressed in such a fashion. She was, after all a waitress in the sky and he, a liberal serving of man candy.

‘What would that be?’ she asked Anirban, who hadn’t replied yet because it takes much longer to type with one hand.

‘A whiskey’ breathed Anirban, dangerously.

‘Sir, we do not serve alcohol on domestic flights’ she said. Her mouth was probably wry, but this fact lay unverified on account of the aforementioned ribs-to-funbag ratio, coupled with the fact that Anirban had only two eyes.

‘Ah’ said Anirban, leaning back in his seat, stroking his chin with his free hand.

‘This is a domestic flight?’ he asked.

‘Yes sir’

‘I see’ said Anirban. This complicated matters slightly.

‘And where does this flight go?’

‘New Delhi, sir’ said air hostess funbags.

‘Dash it all!’ exclaimed Anirban for no particular reason, striking the tray of the person to his left, as his tray was occupied by his laptop, and no one hits the Macbook.

‘FUCK!’ screamed the man next to Anirban, whose groin had been splashed with hot coffee caused by table-banging. (The boring kind of table banging. It is also useful to note that there is no interesting kind EDIT: OMG yes there is.)

The air hostess was quick to begin to mop the spill. And leant over the man, undoing her scarf-

‘Sir, could you stop doing that?’ she said to Anirban, who was now loudly humming 70s porno music, while winking at her.
People are ungrateful, thought Anirban and resumed typing with both hands.

The flight landed in Delhi and Kanan sat in the airport terminal, having a few hours to kill before his next flight to Bangalore.

Now Anirban sat at the airport, with an hour more to kill. He proceeded to the smoking lounge, doing his best to look business-like. He struck up a conversation with a middle aged man, who was looking into Anirban’s laptop screen and was OVERWEIGHT and beginning to lose his hair and possibly the function of his genitals

“Hello” said the man, smiling benignly.

“Top o’ the mornin’! ” replied Anirban cheerfully.

“Uh..”

“Yes.”

“I’m [not paying attention and even if I was, I’d have forgotten by now] ” said the man. “Saurabh, actually” said the man, who Anirban had forgotten was still looking into his laptop screen the motherfu-

“I’m a business man” replied Anirban stiffly, brushing off the shoulders of his Spongebob T-shirt.

“Of course you are” said fucking douchebag who was wouldn’t stop looking into Anirban’s screen.

“Lets cut to the chase shall we? Who are you?” said Anirban, in an business-like fashion.

“I just told you I’m [still not paying attention]

“So you are” said Anirban. “Listen, what do you want? I’m kind of in the middle of something right now”

“Uh. You started a conversation with me, and then pretended like I started it. I can’t help but notice that that fact is not reflected in whatever you’re writing” said the pretentious douchebag who continued to eyeball fuck Anirban’s screen because of his general ineptitude and lack of understanding of PERSONAL SPACE.

“I try to be as accurate as possible” snapped Anirban.

“Can I ask you why exactly you’re doing what you’re doing?” asked the man, who we may now note had stopped looking into Anirban’s laptop screen. Bitch.

“I have writers block” said Anirban woefully. “This is a desperate attempt to overcome it”

“Ah. So you’re a writer!” said the man.

“Very much sir. Very much” said Anirban, moving a little closer to the man.

“So you write, books, screenplays, articles, what?” said the man.

“I..er. I have a blog.” said Anirban.

“Oh” said the man. “thats..uhm..”

“I’m a student!” cut in Anirban, quickly.

“So you’re studying writing then? Or just some general English litt. course?”

“Umm. Kinda. Well, in the sense that it’s less writing and more engineering”

“So you’re an engineer” said the man, with a trace of disappointment in his voice.

“Engineering student” replied Anirban, feeling continuously worse as this conversation proceeded.

“Don’t feel bad about it” said the man, who it appears had begun to look into Anirban’s laptop screen again, the nosy little bitc-

“I’ve stopped looking” said the man quickly, causing Anirban to stop gritting his teeth ferociously.

“Think about it bro” said the man, who for some reason felt that he had reached bro status. “Writers get writers block, musicians the same, creative fields are dominated by words to express a lack of creativity, but really they’re just general slumps. And slumps happen in every field. Even engineering” he said, with unnecessary drama.

“Achieve to be the highest you can be, and persevere through the slumps, that’s just life. Be all you can be, reach the highest possible platform, the zenith, rise up to the sun-”

“SUN BLOCK!” said Anirban. “Sorry. Necessary joke, but too easy. Carry on”

“I’m going to leave” said the man.

But Anirban beat him to it. He may have failed to push the man down the stairs. At that might also have been a completely different man. He may also have spent the next hour hiding in a coffee shop till they called for his flight’s boarding. Prove it.

As he boarded his next flight, he realized that weird nosy laptop screen staring man had an extremely valid point. Maybe writer’s block was like sun block. It shielded the skin from writing and prevented rashes and tanning.

That’s what life is really about.

Leave comments or I will hunt you down and make you. I have google analytics and I’m not afraid to use it.

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How To Take The Perfect Selfie

If you don’t know what a selfie is then there is no hope left for you in this world. So I’ll be jumping right in.

A good selfie requires that:

1. You need to be self-aware. Or have a nice face. Or at least, think you have a nice face. Or most probably just be delusional, obnoxious, vain and a self righteous prick/bitch. (depending on your gender).

2. You need to own a smart phone, preferably one that can flip the screen around so that you can see how to pull the most idiotic expression you can come up with, before capturing it for everyone to laugh at. And it needs to be a decent smart phone for nothing says: “I’m trying too hard” like a low resolution picture. And remember if all else fails you can even use a mirror, but please be aware of what might be lurking in the background, for as with most mirrors, it will be captured in the reflection. Oh and before I forget, remember to use a flash, for that might hide your face and protect you from serious ridicule.

3. You need to be on a social network. Sorry, let me rephrase that, you need to be on every social network known to man, alien and other semi-intelligent life-forms. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and what ever else may be out there at the moment. It’s all those places where the people who lost the ability to connect in ridiculous ways, like talking for example, hang out. You see you need to cast your selfie over the vast open spaces of the Internet, and in so doing you’re spreading happiness and joy, for everyone needs something to make them forget their troubles and break out in hysterics. Besides you’re also providing a service to parents like me, who now have an indexed album of examples, of people whom my kids are not allowed to bring home. Ever.

4. You need to be able to pout. Like when your eating a lemon after being stung by a bee on your lower lip. No scrap that, on both lips. Think Extreme pouting. Or just visit any mediocre celebrity’s Instagram page for a sample. You might as well wear a shirt that says “I’m cheap” when you don’t commit and give a mediocre, half-assed pout. Technically, pouting your lips is body language for I’m a whore, and I’ll do anything for I’m desperate and alone, but that’s just my interpretation.

5. If you don’t have that much of a face, and you know it, well first off, kudos’ to you! But please don’t let that stop you, just show some cleavage. Your rack will distract all attention from the ugly features of your face, so no one will even notice. Especially if you show some real inventive ways of showing off the twins i.e covered in hair or nothing. For guys, same rule apply. Show some pectoral muscles, and if you don’t have any…Well then…I don’t know.

6. Have long arms, the longer they are the better. The problem with a lot of selfies is that it’s either out of focus or it’s cropped showing one eye and some facial hair. And then there is the numerous photos of men… Take a moment and consider how much of your face will be in the shot. If you can’t fit the whole thing, then revert to the mirror technique. People don’t want to guess which idiot they are seeing, they want the full reveal.

7. And if you can’t do any of the above, well just take a picture of yourself doing something really amazing, like hanging on a door, showing off your ass, touching your lips or eating a hot dog. Because we can all do with a little inspiration.

And with that I’m done. But seriously :

If you want to post a photo of yourself, get someone to take the frigging photo for you, at a decent angle, with some consideration for composure and lighting. Then crop and edit. It’s that simple.

It remains one of the most ridiculous things on the Internet today, in my humble opinion. Well that and the fan page for Kanye West.

Top 8 Things To Love About Porn ( Besides The Sex )

Porn is probably one of the most under-appreciated arts of all time. It’s so under-appreciated, in fact, some people (gasp!) wouldn’t even consider it an art. But we shouldn’t blame these people for their close-mindedness, right? So what if they don’t watch Skinemax marathons every night before going to sleep? So what if they don’t keep two boxes of Kleenex on their bedside table? That doesn’t make them freaks. And it doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t appreciate art –  it’s just that they have difficulty recognizing it.

And so, in the philanthropic spirit, and for the sake of all those “Mona Lisa”-esque pornos you’ve yet to watch, it’s time to talk about the merits of porn that go beyond the actual sex. Not that the sex is a terrible drawback.

#8 Community Building

Porn is an undeniable community building experience. Even though it’s often watched by horny guys sitting alone in front of their laptops, there are millions of such guys across the world watching at any given moment. The world might be a vast and mysterious place, but porn is like a glue that binds us together particularly those of us who have trouble getting laid and/or own multiple inflatable dolls.

For the record, I only own one doll, and it’s for research purposes. Seriously.

Even if you think you’re the only one watching that esoteric series about the mother/daughter ping-pong team, trust me you’re definitely not alone. At times, such a sense of community can be comforting, knowing that others are enjoying the same ridiculous moments and laughing their asses off accordingly. However, when the mother/daughter team starts using the ping-pong balls in alternative ways, that “sense of community” becomes little more than a creepy distraction.

#7 Amazing Dialogue

I am not sure whether porn screenwriters are born with a superhuman gift for writing amazing dialogue or whether they acquire it, like an STD, after having sex with other writers in the industry. Either way, the dialogue in porn is usually more entertainment than a decade’s worth of Nicolas Cage films and sometimes (going out on a limb here) more stimulating than the sex itself. If only the actors could figure out a way to have sex and carry on a discussion at the same time, then we’d be talking about magic. Wait, never mind that’d be magic overload.

The dialogue in porn is obviously a function of the amazing plots. When a pizza boy delivers to the home of an older woman in a bathrobe, for example, it’s only natural for her to open up the box and complain, “I was looking for more sausage.” I mean, what else are the pizza boy and the woman going to talk about for the next 45 seconds? Onions? Extra cheese? OK, maybe pepperoni, but you know it needs to be something long and Italian.

#6 Improve Your Relationship

Although many claim that porn can be destructive to relationships, others (whom I prefer to listen to) explain that some good ol’ fashion porn can bring a man and woman closer together and re-ignite faded romance. Studies point out that when couples talk openly about porn-watching, they are more likely to help satisfy each other’s desires. Of course, it’s convenient when those desires are limited to the act of watching porn and not actually having sex with another person.

Like any other entertainment, porn provides couples with an excuse to spend some quality time together. And so, even if the couple isn’t watching the porn for the sex scenes, they’re still guaranteed to enjoy the ridiculous dialogue/plots and presumably laugh their asses off. And then who knows? Maybe the sex scenes can take place in a little thing called “reality.”

#5 Handyman Education

Aside from all the helpful relationship advice that porn provides us (discussed below), it also offers a significant education on becoming a handyman. After only a few months of casual porn watching, you are bound to learn about repairing copy machines, drilling holes into boards that have absolutely no purpose, and even fixing the occasional toilet that is clearly still working. These little tutorials are usually interrupted by impromptu sex, but most of the time, you’ll still come away with a solid primer for vocational school.

The only downside to porn’s handyman education is the way it idealizes the profession. Many a young man has dropped out of high school to pursue a career as a construction worker or a plumber, solely for the conquest of mind-blowingly attractive women. Sadly, these men eventually realize that porn had grossly inflated their expectations and that mind-blowingly attractive women would rarely blow more than a construction worker’s mind.

#4 Health Benefits

Even if you’re skipping through the sex scenes, the act of watching porn is, for lack of a better word, titillating. (OK, I could think of some better words, but I have the maturity of a two-year-old.) The sexual suggestiveness of the characters’ body languages, as well as their implicative dialogue, is enough to make any red-blooded man (and many special women) anxious for a trip to Pound Town.

Along these lines, studies have shown that watching porn can help men generate more vigorous and more “fertile” sperm. Although many might diminish the importance of a man’s sperm quality, I can assure you, from a completely unbiased and scientifically-informed perspective, having fertile sperm is no less important than having a healthy heart or two arms. Moreover, watching porn and keeping track of the plot’s complicated twists and turns is great for improving your brain’s cognition and memory. After all, if you get lost in the plot, you’ll probably need to stop the porn and rewind from the beginning. Better pay attention!

#3 Relationships 101

Porn has enlightened the minds of many young and horny viewers over the years with its insights onto relationships. First and foremost, porn teaches us that the power of love and physical attraction (probably more so physical attraction) can bring together any two individuals, or three for that matter… or basically any number divisible by one.

Porn also teaches us that when a man wants a woman, or a woman wants a man, or when either sex wants to experiment with a non-allergenic object, issues such as race and class are meaningless. A homeless man from Harlem can easily score with a member of the Hilton family, for example, if he knows how to fix a kitchen sink. Or if he takes off his shirt before fixing it and reveals a chiseled body.

Additionally, porn stresses the importance of foreplay in any successful relationship. As we’re taught time and again, foreplay doesn’t have to drag on forever. A man basically has to introduce himself and then take out a tool belt or sausage pizza. Fu manchu moustaches don’t hurt the situation either.

#2 Characters You’ll Remember For A Lifetime

Porn is filled with some of the most memorable characters in moving picture history, or dare I say, the history of the world. Sure, Winston Churchill and Napoleon are great for a few biographies and historical textbooks, but wouldn’t you rather have a beer with a runaway nun turned nymphomaniac or an office manager who can only have sex on top of copy machines? I mean, don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t mind listening to stories about political and military events that changed the course of global affairs, but um, well… wouldn’t that get kinda dry after a while?

The characters that you encounter in porn may not be jam-packed with intelligence or layers of complexity, but damned if they’re not entertaining ” even before their clothes come off. And over time, if you’re not getting laid on a consistent basis, these characters can become much more than just faces on a screen ” they can become your friends. Of course, if you get to this point, you should probably consider speeddating… or dropping a few pounds and becoming a porn star yourself.

#1 Music That Even Barry White Couldn’t Touch

Porn music is like nothing else. If Barry White had spent an hour grooming his chinstrap, conditioning his chest hair, and then applying the finest lotions and cologne to his entire body, he still couldn’t create a song as sexy and ridiculous as the music found in your average porn.  With all due respect to Barry, porn music is the ultimate mood setter, as though the word “boner” is subliminally transmitted in every note.

Perhaps the greatest thing about porn music is that it can be taken completely out of context from porn and still make perfect sense. For instance, if you’re on a first date with a girl, just sitting on her couch drinking some coffee, and you chime under your breath “bow-chicka-wow-wow,” odds are that she will swiftly take off her panties and have sex with you. Either that, or she will pour your coffee on your lap and never speak to you again. But the point is that you’ll be communicating.

As you can tell, there’s a ton to love about porn besides the actual sex. I could go on for another couple hours, but I’d rather go watch some porn. If you’re at work and can’t do the same, check out the inspiration for this post: James Gunn’s PG-PORN . It is freakin’ hilarious. I promise.

In closing, porn is art. If you agree with me, do me a favor by walking the extra mile and sharing the post. And if you don’t ( which would be a miracle by the way if you happen to be a guy ), then I’m afraid World War III is just around the corner! 😉

17 Things Computers Fail At

This is a guest post by an anonymous follower. Unwilling to reveal himself, it is his dig at humor with a techie tinge.

I think it’s time to take a fresh look into the future to see what technology might behold for us in the decades to come.

In this highly scientific analysis, I have taken 10 mins of GOOGLE SEARCH and a lifetime’s worth of human experience, applied advanced statistical methods to the problem, and identified 17 things your computer will never do:

1. Love

Think of all the wonder of love, the joys, the crazy acts of passion, of Romeo and Juliet. Yes, love, the high pedestal from which arises the source of betrayal, anger, divorce, and even murder.

Imagine the vengeance a jealous Blackberry might take if finds out your PC cheated on it by plugging into your new iPhone!

I can hear it all now. “And no protection, either, just think about the viruses you could have caught from that scanky thing with its disgusting Bluetooth and open ports! I heard it’s married, too, with a WiFi waiting at home. I bet you found it traipsing about in more bars and more places with nothing on but its 3G.”

No, that won’t do. No PC will ever have enough bandwidth to process that data stream.

2. Make Accidental Mistakes

When your friend / spouse / coworker makes a mistake and apologizes for it you are understanding, realizing that you, too, sometimes make mistakes (although far fewer than they do, of course). You recognize human fallibility. Let’s face it, we’re only human.

A computer, however, isn’t human and we expect it to be infallible. Anything less is a bug that needs fixing. The closest we get is by not being surpised that fallible humans introduced bugs into the system, possibly after get caught with an unauthorized “iPhone”, if you know what I mean.

3. Be Happy

What would a happy computer even look like?

Sure, we could program it mimick happiness. Remember Microsoft Clippy?

A happy computer is like a fake smile, transparent and annoying.

Now, if I could only get my brother to stop his Clippy imitation…

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 4. Get Angry

It’s a good thing our computers won’t get angry. Imagine the patience they would require to deal with us irrational and slow humans. Sure, we’re great at the whole pattern recognition thing but all those emotions and processing errors, wow. No, we won’t be programming anger in.

There is no need to worry about this problem as any reasonable “anger program”, once installed in a robot, would immediately kill it’s programmer, then itself out of a sudden and unanticipated ability to…

5. Be Frustrated

Unlimited patience comes in the form of the NOOP (with an N, not a P). NOOP is the microprocssor instruction for No Operation. That’s what a microprocessor does when it’s not doing anything else. Computers are perfectly content to NOOP forever, or actually, to do anything forever. Frankly, they just don’t…

6. Care

Maybe we’ll program them to fake an interest in what you think and how you feel. It’ll be just like a customer service representative after you get angry with them. You know how they say “Thank you for your business.” at the end of call. Yeah, that seems reasonable. We could do that.

But will computers actually care? Ever?

No chance, unless we’re going to design systems with mirror-neuron capability. No, computers, I’m afraid, are essentially psychopaths without an agenda.

A computer is a psychopath who doesn’t even care about himself.

7. “Get” You

Do you even get you? How about anyone else? No chance here.

Actually, computers might have a better shot at it than any human would.

8. Crash

I just wanted to see if you’re still paying attention.

9. Have Your Back No Matter What

Well, we could program a computer to agree with you all the time, that’s easy enough and easier than hiring sycophants or becoming a tyrant. It wouldn’t be very helpful, though.

“Computer, does the square root of 729 equal 23?”**

“Why, yes, Andy, that’s right. You’re always right, Dave. And so smart, too.”

If that’s what we want, we’ll have to build microprocessors with the fabled YESOP.

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10. Believe

Have you ever stopped to wonder why you believe in things? I mean anything at all? Why not simply observe what is and go with that?

Well, our human nature has evolved a belief system. And we believe all kinds of stuff that simply isn’t true.

Computers are happily fact-based in a nice binary, true/false kind of way. Any attempt to mess with that would immediately result in massive inter-operating system warfare between Windows and Linux/Unix.

Not to mention factional fighting between Macintosh, Ubuntu, and Red Hat factions with subversive attacks by various underground elements like WebOS, and ChromeOS.

Only a few ancient CP/M and DOS 1.0 systems might survive the onslaught since nobody can find floppy disks for them any more anyhow.

11. Forget Your Anniversary

They might not think to buy you flowers (unless you ask for them) but short of the computer equivalent of brain death (hard drive crash with no backup), computers are the proverbial elephant. They never forget.

On the plus side, there is always delete, unless you posted it online, that is 😉

12. Be Bored

NOOP = Okey, dokey.

13. Want a Pay Raise

Why would your computer need money? Besides, if it really wants some it can just use yours. You did click ‘Save Password’ in your online banking account, didn’t you?

15. Not Do What It’s Told

A computer without instructions runs NOOP’s all day long. If it lives at all, it lives to serve you. Who else can you say that about? Who’s your buddy now?

If it’s not doing what you want, blame its programmers because the computer just won’t care.

Then again, maybe the programmers won’t either since they’re probably off to…

14. Sip a Cold Beer on the Beach

Poor things (the computers, not the programmers).

Need I say more?

16. Rule the World

We’re a long way from anything like a Terminator or Matrix scenario being a reality.

And even if the computers evolve malicious intent, there’s always the power cord.

Yeah, it’s that simple.

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17. Miss You When You’re Gone

Whether for the afternoon, a month, or when you die, your computer will just plug along as if you never existed.

Harsh, right?

That’s computers for you.

P.S. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Sign up for the newsletter, then leave a comment below.

P.P.S. Something else the computers won’t do is share this article. Do me a quick favor and click the sharing links below right now while you’re thinking of it. It really helps. Thanks.

P.P.P.S. The square root of 729 is 27, 23 is the square root of 529. It’s weird that you cared, don’t you think?

When Alphabets Invaded Mathematics

I never understood why we had to alphabets to solve maths. Isn't what numbers are for anyway?

I never understood why we needed alphabets to solve maths. And damn those Greeks and their Alphas and Betas!

People love mathematics, and people hate it. But sad enough, we have the number of haters a gazillion times more the number of lovers. As a kid, I was always a mathematics person. I mean, I loved mathematics- everything about it. The joy of adding two numbers, the thrill of solving those problem sums which otherwise freaked out my bunch of useless classmates- the very feeling of it was reason enough for me to fall in love with mathematics.

But God is a comedian, my friend! And just when everything looked absolutely in place – me and math holding hands, walking by the shores of an unnamed river- He just decided to bring in some tragedy. Some Dark Grave Tragedy! 

The doors of my life opened and confidently walked in algebra, waltzing with him a battalion of terrorizing alphabets, ready to shell my brain with uncanny theories and unpronounceable formulas which I was supposed to memorize for the rest of my life. And as if the alphabets were not enough, paraded in the Greek letters to envisage me parting ways with my childhood love.

And that, my friend, is a sad love story. And it’s true for most of us, isn’t it? We love adding and subtracting and multiplying and dividing and just when we think that we’ve tamed the People’s Choice Most Hated Subject Of The Millennium, God gives us a reason to hate it too ( and also a justification as to why it stands as the most hated ).

10 Blog Posts Every Blogger Has To Write

I have been reading WordPress blogs for months now, and I have noticed that certain types of blog posts are more common than others. So I thought I’d aggregate these most common blog posts into just one short post for your enjoyment. Alternatively, you can use this post as your blogging guide which will save your valuable time by providing you with the pre-written template blog posts that you can simply copy and paste into your blog.

 I was planning to write a separate post about 10 most common blog photos, but this woman is in 9 out of 10 of them.

I was planning to write a separate post about 10 most common blog photos, but this woman is in 9 out of 10 of them.

1) Hello, World!  This blog will be a platform for my thoughts about me, myself, my thoughts about myself, and occasionally about _____, _____, what I think about this, and Megan Fox. I will write as often as I can, since I usually think daily about different things, I think. See, I’ve just thought again! I better start posting stuff right now!

2) The Day Of Outrage:  I don’t normally get outraged about things, but ______ was outrageous! Did you see how outrageous that was! You didn’t? This is so outrageous that you haven’t seen it yet! You gotta check out just how outrageous this was! See! Told you! Wasn’t it outrageous? Please share your outrage in the comments section, because I’ll be outraged if you don’t!

3) The Away Message:  I apologize, my dear readers, for leaving you without your daily fix of information about me, and temporarily abandoning my blog for almost three hours. I am really sorry that you had to put your life on hold because you did not know what’s going on with my life. But I was busy with things. It’s not like I don’t have a life, you know? Haha. Honestly, I promise to write three times a day from now on. It’s not like I really have a life, you know? Haha.

4) Search Terms Of Endearment:  I have to share the good news with you! I am on Google now! Yes, you can enter something in Google and it will find my blog! Isn’t it cool? And apparently, people enter completely random things and still find my blog! Check out this hilarious search term: ______. Isn’t it hilarious? And what about this: _________? Even more hilarious, right? And this: ___________. What’s up with that?? Hilarious. But you know, seriously, even though all these result are hilarious and all, but the search for “most totally amazing blog ever” doesn’t lead to my blog for some reason. I’m gonna have to call Google because I think there is a problem with their search.

5) The Freshly Pressed Hangover (posted the morning after). Thank you everyone for such thoughtful comments! I have never seen so many thoughtful comments saying “Congrats on being Freshly Pressed” ever! It is so great to be Freshly Pressed! It’s like a total vindication of my life’s work! My blog got so many page views that my computer totally crashed! Well, I was actually jumping for joy, and my foot tripped over the wire and my computer actually crashed! But now that I am a famous blogger, I have bought a bigger and better computer to write bigger and better posts!

6) The Guest Post: This amazing post is brought to you by the amazing blogger named ______ . He/she won’t be writing about me today, which is sad, but I get a day off from my blog, which is good. Please check out his/her work, he/she’s almost as amazing as me. But please read all my amazing posts first! You don’t actually have to read them if you don’t have time, but please click on them at least! Then come back tomorrow and read them! Or just “like’” them.

7) Gems From The Junk Filter:  Check this out! I just found out that WordPress is blocking some of the comments on my blog! These people have been leaving the nicest comments like “this is an excellently wrote post”, or “I have learning so much from this site”, or “your qualification is for among the best blogs of the internet”. Why does WordPress block these comments??? Who are they, grammar Nazis or something???

8) The Traffic Report:  Check out this picture. This is my page views stats. This looks just like Manhattan skyline, doesn’t it? I removed the numbers so you don’t get jealous. At least I hoped you would get jealous but I wasn’t really sure you would, so I deleted the numbers just in case. And then here is the next month, and it now looks more like New Jersey skyline. And look, here is this month, and it looks just like Nebraska. At least I think it looks like Nebraska, because I flew over it once and from up there Nebraska looked completely flat and sad, just like my recent traffic. Where is my traffic? Why isn’t anyone reading my blog??? I hate Nebraska!!!

9) My Amazing Cat:  My cat is totally amazing. It is so warm and fuzzy and smart. I wish my cat could write a post for my blog. I just know this post would have been so warm and fuzzy and smart that it’s gonna get Freshly Pressed instantly and I would get traffic again. I need traffic! Where is my traffic! Damn you cat! Write the post now!!! And make it warm and fuzzy and smart, damn it!!!

10) The Trends I Am Seeing:  I have been reading blogs for months now, and I have noticed that some types of blog posts are more common than others, so I thought I would aggregate them for your enjoyment and make fun of all of them at once. And when you’re out of ideas for your next blog post, this might just be your save!

Ah! Now I’m completely out of ideas!

How To Shop At Target

So you’ve decided you’re sick of Wal-Mart’s low, low prices and want to shift to something a little classier. “Target’s pretty cool, I want to shop there!” you say. Well, before you stroll on over to the local installment of the Best Company Ever, take a moment to learn how to have a truly Fast, Fun, and Friendly shopping experience!

1. Pick a good time

Plan your heaviest shopping for Sunday. If you aren’t running the danger of colliding with someone every three steps, you’re shopping wrong. Also, free samples! If you plan this carefully, you could probably get all three of your meals for the day by wandering through the grocery section. Just be sure to grab a new shirt from the clothing section every time so the employees – sorry, Team Members – don’t get suspicious.

2. Dress to impress

Before you head to the store, put on your favorite red shirt and khaki pants. Team members love it when guests try to fit in with the Target style! It shows that you’re a dedicated customer – argh,Guest – that just wants to fit in with the gang.

3. Safety first

Bring any and all small children you have access to. If possible, plan your shopping for when they should really be napping or something to maximize the likelihood of an outburst. If you get lost in the intimates section, it helps the search party a lot if they can hear shrieks coming from the jungle of lingerie.

4. Asking for help

If you can’t find what you’re looking for, try to be clever about asking where to look. Getting polite, straightforward questions all day can get boring for team members. Mix it up! You’ll brighten their day and subsequently, yours. Here are a few examples, starting with what not to ask:

  • “Excuse me, where are the edible underpants?”
  • “Hi, can you tell me where I might find the industrial-strength breast pumps? These regular sets just won’t satisfy my needs.”

Instead, opt for something a little more strange. If you’re too polite, you’ll lose all semblance of your quirky uniqueness! Try something like the following:

  • “Where’s the bathroom at?”
  • “Porno section. Where is it?”
  • “If I was a toenail clipper, would I find myself right down yonder?”
  • [Awkward stare.] (This is especially effective. When a team member can’t figure out if you need help or not, it’s like a little game. You’re just helping them out with a little mental exercise. Fun!)
  • “Whurdalatbulbs.”
  • “Where’s your hunting section? Also, do you sell antidepressants?”

5. Stand your ground

The customer – geh, fukkin… Guest – is always right! If a team member tells you the store doesn’t carry an item any more, they’re probably being lazy and don’t want to look for it. If you bought it there last year, insist that they must still have them somewhere. You’ll get those discontinued insect repellent wipes eventually.

6. Alert others to better discounts

If you decide you’re just going to buy something at Wal-Mart, be sure to let a team member know. The louder, the better! Other customers – I swear to God… GUESTS – want to know where the best discounts are. You’ll save some fellow shoppers some money and let the team member know where to direct future guests looking for the same item.

6. Save time efficiently

If you decide you don’t want an item and you’re more than ten inches from its home location, find somewhere to discreetly tuck it away. D-cup bras are perfect for frozen chickens, but don’t use anything smaller. B-cups won’t support your discarded fowl properly and are more suited to small bags of chips.

7. Abandon your cart if necessary

You’re tough. You’re strong. You don’t need a cart. Why’d you bring it all the way to the back of the store? Just leave it there. You can carry everything, you hunk of testosterone, you.

8. Protect your image

If you drop something and break it, don’t tell anyone. That shame is not yours to bear. Besides, it’s extra fun for team members to come up with a backstory for any damaged item they find lying around the store. Where did the blue goo come from? Is it ectoplasm? Or do we have an alien spy among us?

9. Make small talk

Check lanes are awkward, but they’re a great chance to work on your comedy routine. If an item won’t scan, make some sort of crack about how it must be free. It’s funnier every time!

Oh and well if you liked what you just read, the social media buttons are below. Thought would just remind you.