The Art Of Killing Mosquitoes

Day 9

Mosquito hunting with the electrical bat can surprisingly be quite therapeutic. Especially during study holidays when one frequently feels the need to maim or seriously injure.

It also comes with a LED torch in case you need something bigger than a mosquito, hiding behind the closet, to electrocute to death.

I don’t know what function the torch has in electrocuting mosquitoes to death.

And I’ve only broken one glass so far.

I actually think they should make it into an Olympic sport. Send in a guy with a fully charged mosquito bat, and give him +10 for every dead mosquito and -5 for every bite. And a disqualification for breaking anything, just to keep things interesting.

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How To Have A Conversation

Texting has become the preferred form of communication. It initially was invented to facilitate conversation when face-to-face or the phone was not possible. But now when given the choice, most people would prefer to shoot a text than deal with the expressions that exist on people’s faces and the squawking sounds that emerge from saliva-ridden mouths. Ewww…gross. ;)

Occasionally you will find yourself in the presence of another living being and actually have to conduct a conversation in “real time.” 8O

This can be daunting. You may find yourself wondering how to express emotion without the assist of emoticons. You may find yourself worried that LOL is less powerful when said aloud. You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife.

Don’t worry. Follow these steps and you will effortlessly sail through a conversation and then quickly return to your alloted 15 hours with your mobile device. :D

1. Your natural instinct will be to answer the person’s questions through text.

conversationThis is a common mistake. The trick to having an actual conversation is to use your human body parts like your mouth, eyes and hands. Your lungs will supply the air that you need to get your voice going so take a breath and test out the vocal folds in your throat. Don’t get tense if you first sound like this “Unngghhhhhh????” You will get better with practice. Your eyes are necessary for looking at the other person. You can actually see how the person is responding to the sounds you are emitting. This way you can adjust your sounds if the person is making an expression like this: :x

2. Practice beforehand. Try to use actual words rather than abbreviations when you are texting.

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3. While it may be taxing, you will need to respond to the person rather quickly since you are conducting a conversation in “real time.” You may be compelled to compulsively check Facebook to see if anyone has sent you life on Candy Crush Saga, but this type of behavior will disrupt the natural flow and rhythm of the real-time conversation. To avoid this, you should put your phone away. I see that you just set it off to the side, but you’re still looking at it. Put it out of sight. You just moved it a quarter of an inch. Put it where you cannot see it all. Okay, that’s better. . . why are you shaking?

4. Do not live-tweet or blog the converation while it’s happening. How do you tell someone she has arugula in her teeth? #awkward. That might make the person uncomfortable. Attempt to put all your attention on the other person and listen to the sounds squawking out of her saliva-ridden mouth. This will help you when formulating your response.

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5. Don’t feel nervous if there are lulls in the conversation. There will be lulls because no one has any idea how to conduct face-to-face conversations anymore. Whatever you do, do not take a dick pic and text it to the person. You may think this will give you something to talk about, but no one in the world wants to see your penis.

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How To Overcome Writer’s Block

Writer’s block is an affliction that affects most writers. Writers who say they never suffer from writer’s block should be pelted with raw hamburger meat and thrown into an alligator pit. When it hits, you can feel anxious, and despair that you will never write anything again. But there are ways to overcome it without sacrificing your sanity in the process. Just follow these helpful steps:

1. Clear your head. Disconnect from all electronic devices. If you weren’t aware, the Internet is an extremely powerful distraction tool. Why, just when I was writing the previous sentence, I posted three status updates to Facebook, tweeted my 30-second trick to reduce belly fat, and watched a drunk kitten video on youtube. So what are we talking about? Um….

2. Oh, right! Writer’s block. Yes, so clear your head and disconnect from all electronic—just a sec…I’m getting a text…. “Wednesday, more like Wineday amirite, dudes!” oh my god, I’m totally LOLing right now. I’m LOLing so much I’m PALOLing. That stands for Peeing And Laughing Out Loud. What should I write back? Fuck! That’s right I have writer’s block. . . I’ve got nothing. If only there was some way to overcome writer’s block. . .

3. Did you know happyplace.com does these “If Game of Thrones Took Place on Facebook” recaps? They are awesome. And a quick read…wait! I’ve been on the internet for 10 hours?!? What day is it? Is it still Wineday?

4. Okay…okay. We are totally focusing right now and by “We” I mean, me and that marble that keeps rolling around inside my head. It is very distracting. Before I continue with the steps, I’m going to quickly hop onto medlineplus.com, type in my symptoms and diagnose myself in a flash. Hmm…turns out I have brain cancer! And I thought I had Writer’s Block. This is scary! If only there were antibiotics for Writer’s Block…

5. I should eat something. I’ve had six cups of coffee in the last 30 seconds and just did the cinnamon stick challenge–a tweak of the dangerous cinnamon challenge–for a YouTube video. I’m a little jumpy, and why the fuck has no one liked my status update on Facebook?!? I guess no one wants world hunger to end. That’s on you “friend”. People are so fucking selfish. Re-post if you agree.

6. What is this list?

7. I actually went back and reread what I wrote to figure out what I’m writing. It took three hours because I had to help a “friend” harvest her goddamn cabbages on her fake, fucking FarmVille farm. So, writer’s block . . . there are ways to overcome it. The first thing you should do is disconnect from all distractions like phones and computers–wait a sec. . . How could the cabbages have died?!?!?!?

8. I’ll finish this later…How I Met Your Mother is on.

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